Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years Resolutions

I am not always a big resolutions person, but this year feels different.  Not only am i doing resolutions, i am breaking them down by categories.  This post will not catch them all, but i have several already listed and this seems like a good holding spot for them.  I am going to work on a tracker so i can see what all i get through.  

brazil butt lift, more swimming which will require me to feel safe putting my face in the water again, wii fit and a partner to do more walks with and someone to try running with.  Also more yoga and less beating myself up.  

Cooking/Food:I am going to master crepes-have the most fab banana sauce inspired by bananas foster- and souffle. fab gooey and decadent chocolate souffle.  I want to try more ethnic cooking as well.  Like Indian or thai.  Stuff i enjoy eating out and don't make at home.  Our new economic reality makes that pretty essential.  I am also going to make more foods that i enjoy, like squid and mussels.  The rest of the gang around is going to have to suck it up and eat the stuff or starve.  

homemaking: Time to address the clutter and clusters all over this house.  Then i will more comfortable to have people over.  I miss socializing with friends.  Plus this way i can host a few friends who have us over a lot.  It might even help with the less stressing part of my wellness goal.  Not to mention the toddler i will have soon means a sqaured away home is necessary.  

Family: enjoy them more.  Bond be tighter.  Some of those things are happening naturally with being in more.  Maybe even some of the cooking with aj.  A lot more grace and break giving, being a little less high strung---but not with being pigs!  

Friends- work on being a better one and expanding my circle.  

bible reading to be more frequent and deeper.  

Finances: to get off the feast or famine cycle.  Get some real savings and make that automatic.  Like i would love to end the year with 10k in a plain old saving account and an active retirement fund.  

Fun to live deeper and have a better life.  A week at the beach.  We are going somewhere even if we just stay in a tent.  The water is calling me.  Going for a week with everyone to San Diego would be even better, but Hilton Head could be just as fab.  
Well i doubt that is everything, but it is quite a long start at least.  I do tend find the first year after a baby a great time to start over for me as well. 

Monday, December 28, 2009

Merry Christmas

WE did have one.  Well one minor burp, but we decided to enjoy our simple day.  We focused on no pressures and no running.  I have a couple of friends who ran all day, to the point that it really disrupted their celebrating.  The best decision was the one to celebrate the gift that we received in July.  It did help a lot. WE took our time with everything and really enjoyed ourselves.  

So simpler can be just as nice.  
I got my appointment set for the urologist.  Not sure how i am doing with that, but until i go it is hard to know how or what to feel.  I love my daughter and want her to have the best possible life.  I am not sure if i would rather hear wait and it might resolve, or in 3 months we will e,y or z to fix it.  The thought of surgery is not nice, but neither is waiting for years to see.  So i am doing all that i can.  I am enjoying my baby and leaving the rest in God's hands.  Because it is all there anyways.  No need to make myself crazy stressing about something i can not control.  But i will not shut off feeling, because that does not work either.  

Lovelykins wakes so time to go

Saturday, December 19, 2009

When a rule out becomes a rule in

So i am now living in the land of ruled in.  Like the tests we went to showed a problem.  I guess i somehow just knew to be worried.  No results on the Sonogram yet.  At least not since 3 or so Friday.  The vcug showed some reflux.  Basically my baby had a cath tube stuck in her bladder, contrast was pumped in to see how the bladder fills, then they are moved around to see if any dye goes in the ureters.  Sadly it was reported that some reflux was noted.  i am not sure of it was on one side or both.  i mean does it even matter.  Merry Christmas to me.  Wow i was already grinchy with no money and all.  This i am sure will not help.  

So now i wait to hear when i meet with a urologist at Johns Hopkins.  This part seems so scary.  I have read that the problem can resolve itself.  I sure hope so.  The thought of lovelykins getting anymore procedures, or God forbid surgery is just scary to me.  In the meantime and until further notice i need give a daily half teaspoon of bactrum.  not really a fan of medicating, but it beats serious long term scaring of the urinary tract.  At least we 4 healthy months.  Why can't i enjoy my babies all the way to one year?  I only asked for 6 months this time.  I guess we just fell 2 weeks short of that....

I am a little numb and not sure how i feel or even how to act.  Kevin is away and already delayed.  Thanks to the storm i have no idea when he will get home.  Church has already pretty much been canceled.  No need for anyone to risk themselves.  i am beginning to get a more numb then i think is safe.  i need to stay feeling and engaged.  I can feel the shutdown happening.  I doubt that shutting off again will be good for anyone.  I have loved our mommy baby dance so far.  

Today exhaustion might be part of the problem.  Up till one waiting from the teen to get home from her midnighter.  That is what the all nighter switched to with the storm.  

I really need my man.  I just want to be held by him and know that this fight like all of the others we are in together.   I also wish it was someone other then me shoveling and trying to get the dogs to pee outside.  But off for a shower.  it is truly restorative.  And yes even confined this woman needs one

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Time Flies

One year ago today was my first ob checkup.  Wow i will hit these milestones over the next few months.  They will i am sure culminate with July 5-Tabytha's 1 year birthday.  The first was last month with one year of realizing i was pregnant.  The doctors appointment was the first time it seemed real  Helped in no small part by my husband not wanting anyone to know until after that appt.  i was allowed to breech for 2 close girlfriends.  Somehow the secret seemed not right to me.  I feel it in some way set a tone for the entire pregnancy.  I do remember a few periods of bliss during my pregnancy though.  Odd how my doc kept the secret of no v-bacing from me while we kept our secret from people who were and are quite close to us.  Are secrets ever really good?

Tomorrow i have to take Tabytha for a sonogram of her kidneys.  This seems to be a common rule out for infants with utis.  hopefully, all will go well, but still pray for us.  I am more nervous that i want to admit about it.  I was not bothered about the hip, but this for some reason i am.  I have even started a few negative loops again this week.  I am not sure exactly why.  it would be nice to know what brings them so they could be just as easily banished.  But no easy fix for that i guess.

I have also realized that i am just pissed this last week.  I think i have lied to myself about this one.  I am it turns out pissed at my doc for lying to me in the first place, i know c-section was needed and better to be on lock down 20 mins from home, but still irked about the original deception.  I should go over this with him first, but i will probably have to wait until my next annual to do that.  I am also flamingly pissed over needing a c-section at all.  to think of all these who could care, yet they get to push.  i mean who could care either way mentally--why?  or people who could really care how their body looks,, no new scar for them.  Why do i get yet another line on my body.  Flamingly pissed about it.  most especially the little overhang that never goes away after being cut open and sewn back together with the extra baby belly.  I guess a deeper, better woman would not care, but i do.  i have also realized that i feel a little like God left me.  Now that last bit is not good and is a thought i need to get working on banishing.  Maybe some fear over that is linked to the negative looping.  Something for me to explore another day.

For now i need to stop before this becomes a book and i get none of the church paperwork i am next door to do done.  

Has anyone else ever felt this flamingly pissed over something rather normal, or so left by God?  

Monday, December 14, 2009

The yucks

My husband has been ill with some head cold type of thing for almost a week now.  My general response to this is to generally functionally isolate him.  Yes i am a germaphobe.  This time for some odd reason i did not.  I have been feeling really good physical health wise and supplementing rather well.  i think that arrogance was my downfall.  Two days in a row now i woke up with the yucks.  Today feels a little worse then yesterday.  So now i have added gargling and increased supplementing-i added vit c, acidolophis and garlic.  I was hoping to feel better today.  Hopefully, tomorrow.  The down comforter is coming off the bed and the thermostat is going back down another degree or two.  

Tabytha even seemed very stuffy this morning.  SO the humidifier is getting turned back on.  I really thought with the near constant rain the air would be wet enough.  God knows that the ground all around Millington is sure saturated.  The amount of standing water is amazing.  But i will try anything to have us both feeling better.  Well anything but an over the counter cold remedy- ironically the only thing my husband tries.  We so live on different planets when it comes to health and wellness.  

I need to be better.  I hate feeling sickly and i so do not want to miss Lex this week.  My carb consumption is through the roof.  But christmas cookies are yummmy.  12 days to go, then time to cut the sweets for a bit.  

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


ok looking at a picture of Tabytha in her crib and bassinet brought something home to me.  It often is all about perspective.  I know the quality on the one picture is awful, but hopefully it conveys how gigantic she appears in the bassinet.  Yes she has about that much room at her feet as well.  

The picture of her in the crib makes her look so tiny.  In reality she is a healthy baby who is on perfectly on target based on her birth weight.  The pictures are taken within 2 days of one another.  

But boy does she look different based on her environment.  So many ways to go with that thought.  So as i am sitting her at home feeling all left behind and alone i know that is not true.  Sometimes we jut need to change surroundings to get a clearer look at the situation.  

gotta run the Tabytha awakens

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Lovelykins is sick

My poor little baby has her first real illness.  She was so grumpy and off and we got a slight fever so i sucked it up and saw the doc i am not too fond of in my group.  Slight indications of an ear infection, but the super messy diaper we had right before leaving gave him a clue of another possible cause.  WE meant a cath to catch urine to get a ua and culture.  UA came back suspicious.  So switch from amox which is cheap and everywhere to supra which is little farther away and a lot more $$.  Like 112 after insurance.  ouch.  But thank god i had it!  The iodine they use to get everything clear for the cath is no fun.  I had that done at 29 weeks and my hoo-hoo was annoyed for 2 days.  I was seriously less annoyed from the cath during surgery.  Poor little thing.  

I feel like such an awful mother.  I thought she was just cranky.  She was miserable Tuesday while i was running around doing errands.  I thought she was pissed to be in the car seat after all day sunday.  The the cranks yesterday were just frustrating.  At least i got her in.  Ikes a uti which are no fun at all.  My poor little lovelykins.  Hopefully another dose and the irritation will be gone.  This one feels so much more serious then thrush did.  I just feel so awful for her and like such a rotten mother.  I did not even try the crib.  She woke right after getting sat in the bassinet so all night with us.  Which means yet another night of no sleep for me.  

Sleep like a baby?! snort.  what a joke, they move and kick and wake and turn and keep the parent they are lying close aganist up all night.  thus the blog post before 6am.  At 5 i gave up trying to sleep.  So guess who hasn't slept since Sunday?  That is right me.  So prayers that i can make it through the next 2 days.  Kevin is in hunt valley getting training for a new revenue stream that he needs to finish to be considered for the work.  Thank god, but no pay of course so i am on when he is working and this counts at least imo.  So just holding out till friday night.  Then he is on if she is still up all night.  

AT least we should have clear skies later today.  So baby, mommy and 2 little doggies are going for a long walk.  Hopefully no one will melt down on it.  

Thursday, November 19, 2009

The journey of the last year

On year ago today i had the first glimpse of the beginning of a new journey.   I should have paid closer attention to the clues that it would not be an easy journey.  But i felt too awful to even notice.  Of course the first few days i thought it was just some awful flu.  It was not until i still felt sick 5 days later that i decided to get a test to confirm what i already knew in my heart.  Ironically it was confirmed the day before thanksgiving that we would have another blessing to give thanks for.  

The way i found out was such a clue as to how things would go.  I was never that sick with aj, but every pregnancy is different.  hurl a phrase that i could easily go without hearing again.  I catch myself saying it often though.  talk about irony.  I  so arrogantly expected that i would have an easy time again.  And that if i stayed active and watched my weight that i would have the birth experience that i wanted(the joke was really on me when i realized that i needed it).  I expected to get what i wanted.  I was at one point accused of doing babies to avoid self-actualizing.  Boy was that joke really on me.  Because getting knocked on my ass at 28 weeks made doing it not optional.  

I am no trying to claim that i had the most difficult pregnancy ever, i know of women who have been through much worse.  But it was at all how i thought it would go.  The fear that it let creep in my life is still somewhat crippling.  I do not know how people live with that kind of fear all of their lives.   That stronghold must be outright crippling.  I am so grateful for the years that i was able to avoid it.  But maybe that was more denial and pretend. 

I almost feel guilty to complain about a hard pregnancy when i think of the women i know who give anything to have a baby themselves.   Or how she came into the world.  Because that was fairly uneventful.  I know the scar on my body will fade a little more over time.  

i wonder what will happen to the ones on my mind and soul.  
When will the fear leave?

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Crib Time

So Sunday night i put TAbytha to bed in her crib.  I thought it would take longer, but it was time.   She was barely fitting in her bassinet.  i need to find and post a pic to show how tight it really is.  Not ready to pack away the bassinet yet, but time to start sleeping in the crib at least a few times a day.  It is amazing how gigantor she looks in the bassinet and how small she looks in the crib.  

The first night in the crib went well.  A block of more then 6 hours, one i really needed.  The second night not near as good.  I will let you know how day 3 goes.  Hopefully i can get a nice long block again tonight.   Last night felt like every hour, i know i got one block close to 3, but i am wiped.  

I expected to feel sad or something, but it just felt right.  Maybe that only proves that it was time.  Still loving our mommy baby dance, just know the days are numbered.  Mommy little girl dance should be just as good.  

i wanted to post and go deeper, but my fussy baby needs me to sideways nurse her to sleep.  

Saturday, November 7, 2009

4 Months

On Thursday my miracle turned 4 months.  this picture is in the doctors office after exam and before the 4 shots and on oral vaccine.  Yep i am all for vaccines.  We get flu shots every year and swine flu this year.  The nice thing about 38 is i don't politically correct so no new name here, it is swine flu.  Sorry side rant.  I tend to do those.  So my healthy growing little girl weighed 15 pounds and 5 ounces and is 24 and 3/4 inches long.  Wow i just can't believe it.  What a miracle.  

Now real traits of personality are starting to emerge.  She is one happy talker.  This week she has been very verbal.  Nice and loud.  Yeah.  Kevin swears she laughed out loud last night.  Too cute.  The grin that she bursts into is truly touching.  I will have to post a photo of it.  I will look around and try to get on here this week.  

Kind of nervous about the upcoming week.  Kevin will be in sc for his last week of ministry classes.  So just me and the girls.  I hope that i the energy i need to be there for aj like she needs.  Baby is still not sleeping as much as i would like.  I was planning on putting her in the crib yesterday, but rethought that.  Maybe when daddy gets back.  i am sure she will be full time in the bed with me.  Yep i am a vaccinator and i let the newborn sleep in my bed.  She has a bassinet and starts the night there, just once she awakes i see no need to put her back in it.  

No sad thoughts just joy about my Tabytha Joy!  The name really seems to fit her.  I feel like we really have a groove going.  Looking forward to enjoying every bit of our mommy baby dance.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Obsession Update

So the bread obsession is rolling on.  Some results are better then others.  I am realizing that i will most likely need to invest in a good cookbook for the varieties that i want.  So far i have one recipe that is a nah not again.  It is a banana recipe from, it was not terrible, just lacked flavor and my banana bread quick bread recipe is much better.  I have one that has been made a few times and will stay in rotation i am sure.  It is a rosemary bread recipe also from  I have subbed slightly using part fresh rosemary from my garden and part already dried herbs.  

I have tried 2 different oatmeal bread recipes and will most likely try both again as well any others in search of the one that is just right.  I really want to play with some whole grain breads.  i have some whole wheat flour and milled flax seeds in that effort.  Now i just need to find a recipe that calls for them.  It is challenging in this area to find whole wheat bread flour, so i hope that regular whole wheat flour will be ok.  

My husband has mentioned an olive bread several times, so i will need to do one of those sometime soon as well.  But i wonder how many jars of olives that will require.  Looking forward to trying pizza dough one day as well.  

Maybe this winter obsession will be one i develop some skill with.  At least i might come up with some cute holiday gift ideas.  

Still glad for any recipe suggestions.  

Thursday, October 29, 2009

Going Home Again

Can you ever really go home again?
Even more importantly would you really ever want to?
An eight day visit with my parents prompted the questions.  My sister feels that she could.  I know that she would prefer not to,  but claims that she could.  For me the answer quickly became no.  I am closer then 10 years ago, but still like my things my way.  

My poor family is probably so traumatized by that fact.  Down to tonight when my daughter started cooking, i pointed out she was using the wrong pot to make quinoa.  I mean really does it matter that much?  in fairness to me she was using the fondue pot piece, but i must confess that any pan, but the one i use would have prompted comment.  I really need to follow Tania's advice and develop a case of the who cares.  ok she used another term, but who cares works better for me.  

But going home again i think is not truly possible for any of us.  Why?  Because after a mere 6 weeks away we are no longer the same person.  To truly go home again implies no growth or change.  I am almost consistently told that Carlsbad would be unrecognizable to me.  A lady getting her hair done by joy at the same time even made the point about the area to me.  So i guess it is true.  Hopefully the beach will be the same though.  But if we are growing and doing the right things would should change as well.  

I know that i have changed from the girl who left her parents home the day she walked in her graduation ceremony from high school.  My parents have as well.  Some, many of those changes have been for the better.  Both for me and for them.  When not going completely psycho or tormented about the whole baby situation i like the woman i have become.  I surely look forward to seeing who my children will become.  So one day in not too many years one of them will come home for a visit and we will both realize that there is no going home again.  I just hope they visit to show me a grandchild and how it has changed since i visited for the birth.  That was the best part of the trip watching my parents delight in my joy.  

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My New Obsession

Yes i tend to go there with things that obsess me.  They tend to strike most especially at the beginning of winter times.   i do not always develop a particular skill with them more just a way not to feel so trapped during the cold dark winters.  Some say that winter in Maryland is not so bad, but to this 5th generation California native they are!  Throw in some minor sad and a week of gray drizzle with highs of 43 and yep it is full on winter to me.  This year the obsession appears it will bread.  Not just any bread, but homemade bread from the bread maker that has sat on the freezer in the laundry room for 3 years now.  Yep not even caused by a new purchase or gift.  

I may not be super fond of the way the loaves look.  but it so is the bomb way to make bread with no counter space and an infant.  I might miss the sensuous acts of the kneading and punching, but the smell and feel of fresh baked can be had my some measuring, button pushing and occasional viewing through the top of the machine.  It is fun to wait until the final ding.  Both loaves so far i have cut into as soon as they finished and were successfully removed from the maker pan, no small feat with kneader thing stuck in the bottom of them!  The slices may be jagged, but the butter melts so perfectly and the feel of it too good to resist.  The flavor at least in the rosemary bread seemed to develop better with a little cooling and tine.  

Now i am on a quest to try as many recipes as possible.  I only got 3 little yeast packets in case i did not like it.  Today i plan to hit the store just for a jar of yeast to feed the new obsession.  It will need to come with a new cardio fixation as well.  That might be a good thing.  Cardio is not something i long to do.  I have plenty fo tapes to play with and throw in fit tv and even during the long winter confinement i should be able to find plenty of ways to keep moving in order to offset my increased bread intake.  
So far i made a rosemary bread with basic bread flour and an oatmeal bread with reg bread flour again.  I want to play and try many options.  Any recipes or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  My next is going to be a banana bread of some sort.  I have snack tuesday morning for bible study and want to take a bread and some muffins of some sort.  I also want to play with some based on whole grains.  I would love to try making a quinoa and herb bread.  Yumm-oh.  A bread based on whole grains would seem more fitting to me.  AFter all how can a food nazi, as my darling husband so fondly calls me, spend a winter obsessed with making breads from basic bread flour?  

Recipes and ideas would be greatly appreciated.  I might have to figure out how to keep a tally of different bread recipes tried and reviews of them.  

ps i still hate gray rainy blah days but the carb coma might just help me not care.  

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Trusting that the healing will come

So doing a little better on the sleep.  Part of that is letting husband do a bit more.  Plus the cold snap seems to keep me in bed a little later.  Still stressed about several other things.  But the seem to be resolving.  Yeah!

Last night i did get a big revelation that i need to share.  So i have been asking and wondering when it will stop hurting.  Maybe my real question has been will it stop?  Well my answer is yes it will.  That knowledge comes from deep in my soul after listening to a good recording of the word.  The focus of the study was on Jesus as the good Sheppard.  That God will make us to lie down and take in hat we need for our good.  Just to know that it will stop hurting helps.  So when is becoming less important to me.  Would it be nice to know that someone will ask something on Nov 5 at 11 am and the answer will not hurt?  Of course.  That just thinking c-section number 3 won't make my throat hurt with choked back tears is relief enough for me.  

Now were i to turn up pregnant tomorrow i would hardly bounce into the doc's office perkily excited to schedule my next surgery.  But i know i can do it again if i have to, he will just have to give a month or two before scheduling it.  Honestly i am already at the where not having another child hurts more then having another surgery.  A miracle would still be nice.  And that is exactly what a baby is.  Even if the fuss most days from 7 pm till they drop off sometime after 9.  

So for both baby number three and the healing from how my children arrive will be left to God and his timing.  Nope not trying yet.  I doubt i will go the "ideal of 2 years" but really want more time to focus on tabytha and aj still.  but turning up pregnant next week would not be the nightmare that woke me up a few weeks ago either.  Will trusting the relief come help it come sooner?  
any tips on making my scar less noticeable?

Sunday, October 11, 2009


So why am i dog tired and unable to nap?  I am not just a little tired, i am wiped out.  like don't make me focus, because i can't.   It had me zoning out for a large part of church.  ok some of that was the awe i feel when i look at baby is she sleeping, smiling or sleeping with that beautiful smile on her face.  Heather and Derrika did such a wonderful job of capturing that is come beautiful shots.  But there is not denying that a lot of it was covered by the tiredness.  i am having such a hard time falling asleep during the day.  I miss napping.  When will it return??  will it return.  
Any moms out there that can offer a word of encouragement?  Because i really need some right now.  Gotta run baby is cranking in the swing.  i guess that my free time for the day is over.  Much more to come on this subject. I know some of the problem is my dreams and the places where my mind wanders.  

Friday, September 18, 2009

Pilates and accupuncture

Yesterday i had my first mat pilates class and my first accupuncture session.  The ultimate definition of insanity seems to be doing the same old thing and expecting a different result.  So along those lines i am willing to try a few new things.  I have done mat classes in the past and ow this one is great.  Lex is a great teacher.  The class is challenging, in some parts more so then my reformer routine.  It is also longer!  So even more toning and calorie burning.  Some posture defects were pointed out to me as being a major player in my leg difficulties so time to address that.  I figure a class where posture is checked is a good thing.  And if more intense work helps lift by butt again even better. 

The accupuncture was very interesting.  I do know that i feel better this morning.  Stiff from the hour class yesterday, but the shoulder is just fine.  I think i overtrained one day last week and my shoulder had nagged at me all week.  So far today it is not talking at all.  If a few sessions of accupuncture help, then what is the harm.  Other things have helped to keep it managable, but i need to be fixed at this point.  I need to be fixed for a lot more then just my messed up leg.  

So next week i am starting a new bible study at a nearby church.  Why not here?  Well 2 main reasons.  First right now i need to be fed.   Show up and be refilled with the love of god and scripture.  I have allowed a gap there and that needs to be corrected.  Nothing like a Beth Moore study to get one back into the word.  The second is that my circle has gotten entirely too small.  Since that is an issue for me time to fix it as well.  Hopefully between the class and the bible study god will put some more people into my path.  And if not at least i have put some effort into it.  Because no one can expect things to change by just sitting home and hoping.  

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

A full nightssleep

Tabytha slept through the night.  She went out shortly after 10 pm and woke at 5:10 this morning.  I tossed quite a bit, but still this is a big breakthrough.  I was just noticing yesterday how utterly exhausted i was.  Since April that is only the fourth time that i have slept close to 7 hours in one straight block.  In fact yesterday i was able to nap during the day for the first time in weeks.  Hopefully, i will be all caught up again in a few days of sleeping like this.  Or will last night just be a rare jewel of a night?  Either way i will be fine because this is just a season.  The question is will this be my last "season with a newborn"?  

Not being sure if i can go through it all again has caused me to often times wish Tabytha would just stay this size.  2 weeks ago i noticed that it looked like she was trying to roll over.  That made me a little sad because i just wanted her to stay this perfect little newborn.  staying little and developing slow does not appear to be this baby's plan.  And that is ok.  I will savor fast with Tabytha.  I love cooing with her.  The verbal interaction we get is so touching.  I am going to enjoy every moment for that moments sake.  Not with that bitter sweetness that comes with focusing on the moment like it might be the last, but rather with the joy of watching a person reveal herself.  That is truly one of the best marvels of watching a baby develop.  That journey of watching a person revealed at their own pace.  Not in a rush to outdo friends with milestones or thwarted to meet a mothers needs to hold an infant for as long as possible.  Forgetting that might just be the biggest tragedy.  So my plan is to savor and enjoy every moment with Tabytha at her pace.  Somedays it would be nice to enjoy 7-10 pm with a baby that can be set down for more then 2 minutes without getting upset, but that is her journey.  

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

random thoughts

Construction is almost done in the laundry room.  I can not wait to have my washer back.  I want to promise not to gripe about laundry for a month but doubt i can pull that one off.  My kind neighbor and good friend has given me almost carte blanche access to her washer, but to not have bundle and go would be very nice.  I am extremely thankful not to have had to hit the Laundromat the last week.  Hopefully it will be placed in time for me to do some laundry tonight. The sad thing is that despite a load or more pretty much everyday next door it has piled up.  

The last few days have been hard.  Maybe it has been so for a week now.  Tigger threw me off more then i thought.  I feel like i am stuck watching everyone around me go on with their lives and i am being left behind.  I am happy for them yet I don't how to get out of my rutt.   A 9 week old is quite time consuming though.  So i guess it is normal to feel confined during times like these.  On an upside i have scheduled an accupuncture session for next week.  The leg is trending better, but the lingering affects are fatiguing and upsetting.  So it is time to get it fixed.  Just no drugs that will affect breast feeding.  I may fail at birth, but i will not fail at this. 

In the last few days i have also realized that i am having a crisis of faith.  The other day i almost published a post called is hope cruel? But sadly could not find the time or energy to do so.  Are somethings harder for a person of faith to deal with?  I believe in miracles and to the last minute thought i would get one.  Maybe arrogantly expected one might  a more accurate statement.  I did get a miracle just now how i wanted it.  Because a healthy baby is a miracle everytime any mother gets one.  At my age perhaps a bit more.  I need to focus on that rather then my unmet goals.  I really thought by now it would not cut as much.  Time for me to find something else to concentrate on.  Now what is the big question.

Thursday, September 3, 2009

rip tigger

Today i had to take my cat Tigger to be put down.  i got tigger while pregnant with my daughter aj.  He as nice for a few months and then not so much after that.  I always said that he never loved me right.  He had ben sick for a bit which is not surprising since he was 15 years old.  A better person might have put him down a few months ago.  I just could not put him down during the pregnancy from hell-the baby is an outright gift from God.  So last night at 9:30 it became obvious it could no longer be put off.  This morning he was loaded in the car and taken to be put out of his misery.  I suspect it will take a few days for it to sink in.  I had said a few times recently that it will be a relief because he was rather annoying and the wet food he needed had gotten a bit steep.  But i do not feel relieved today.  Out of sorts and rather off might be a better description.  

I went to the mall and was not even in the mood to shop.  Maybe that was guilt over how much my glasses cost.  But i expect i will miss the old cat more then i thought.  aj seems to be ok today.  She got upset and said goodbye last night.  Maybe i did need to say bye this morning.  I had more thoughts for today, but a cranky baby says otherwise.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

So this week the long awaited project to fix the laundry room and kids bathroom began.  The water damage was quite significant when we got in the walls, but contained within those areas so not as bad as we feared.  The floor had to be completely rebuilt under the old shower joists and all.  But thankfully we did not need to rebuild the entire room.  That is the upside part of the project so far.  

Now for the fun stuff, due to a scheduling issue the plumber will not be back until friday morning to re-run the plumbing in the laundry room, so no washer or dryer until friday.  Also only 1 bathroom until at least then.  The only work we can until is to put the slate flooring down in both rooms.  Not looking forward to labor day weekend with all 6 of us in the house with only 1 bathroom.  Hopefully we can get the sink and commode working friday.  I doubt we can get the shower operational for the weekend.  We can not do the tile surround until after the tub is placed.  That might happen friday, or it might not.  So best case is monday or tuesday to have the shower useable at all.  Which is no fun because my 14 yr old can really live in the bathroom.  But hubby is very motivated to get it done.  but demo is over so the ac can go back on as the temps are supposed to rise the second half of the week.  

As yet another fun side to the week i have taken a child to the doctors monday and again today.  Really hope to not go back until Tabytha's well baby check up next thursday.  

No real new progress on my idea but i am still working on it.  I am waiting to bounce the idea off a few people including a good friend in the field.  I think someone in the know will be better able to point me in the right direction.  And there is no rush on this end, do i do have time to consider and reconsider the idea.  

Still no pap results.  I guess that is good news.  By friday i will call if i have not heard anything.   Everything feels so unsettled this week.  i ant my house back together and everyone out of it.  But praise God for the help.   

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sleeping babies, church and the beginning of an idea

So this morning i am missing church.  Tabytha is sleeping.  Last night she was not so happy for an almost 4 hour period that finally ended with her going to sleep at 11:30.  I am loathe to wake her after that incident.  Plus I know that she has to be very sleepy.  This morning i put a robe on her right after the bath, so i would need to dress her before walking next door.  I hope this is just not an excuse.  But she is only 8 weeks old today.  wow that seems so long ago.  When she is not cranky and inconsolable i really enjoy my baby girl.  I doubt many parents go yippee at the sight or sound of their child in fuss mode.  

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  Some friends came to visit.  It was very nice to see them.  The trip also gave me a glimmer of an idea of what to do next.  I am not going into a lot of detail here today, but at least i have something to look into now.  Just something at an idea maybe level feels good.  The search also put another thought into my mind.  I saw a school that offers a bs in holistic nutrition, maybe it was holistic health.  That might be a good idea for me in itself.  But that is not the idea i am looking into at this point.  That night be more of a nice add-on.  First my idea will take some real world, girlfriend and sister advice/input.  That and some $ for what might be upto 12k for school.  But eh really what is a little more debt.  Funny how that car which i avoided getting now has me going eh what is a little deeper of hole?  I guess school is a better thing to go into debt for then jeans, jewels or cars.  

Funny this is the first post in awhile where i am looking at what to do next.  Funny because that is the point of the blog, at least that is what i said when i started it.  Maybe one just needs to clean and clear out the old to focus on the new.  Maybe it is just about the journey of my life.  Today the sun is shinning and i plan on reveling in that while i can.

Friday, August 28, 2009


So the last week or so some of the anxiety has returned.  I am not completely sure what triggered it, but i know my 6 week appointment is what i am anxious about this time.  I got a good report and was released, but i am for some odd reason quite nervous about my pap results.  20 years off good ones and here i am sweating one.  I really thought when he said everything looked normal during surgery that this fear about my health old go away.  It did for awhile.  But now like a roaring lion it has returned.  Why does pregnancy seem to trigger such fear and anxiety?

A few weeks ago I was at a friend's house for a photo shoot and she was sharing some of the anxiety she felt during her pregnancy.  It struck me just how frightening this special time can be.  

If you are actively trying, you sweat is this the month?  As that drags the hope begins to fade, then it happens out of the blue almost.  Then it is oh how long will this feeling of sickness last?  Sweating the first doctors appointment.  Which screenings if any do I do?  Then sweating each result.  A few short weeks of relief, then bam a complication.  Everybody says no big deal it might move, just call if you start bleeding.  Um yeah that is real reassuring.   Of course for me this time is also made a little worse by the knowledge that life threatening complication or not if i stick with my doctor it will be another surgery.  More sonograms to check if it moved, more nerves about that.  Then that awful week in April.  I saw a week because it started with scheduling my c-section and the crippling knowledge of how broken that left me feeling.  I remember sitting on my bed and loosing it screaming teen crack heads can birth why can't I?  then that night where i felt something a late trip to the hospital and confirmation that yes at 28 weeks you are contracting.  Fortunately that was related to a secondary cause that we treated, but it still meant bed rest.  Which led to another trip to the hospital.  

The second trip led to a test that was reassuring in that it was highly unlikely that i would go into labor for the next 2 weeks at least.  That led to a gradual resumption of life.  Of course i was still limited as i had been put on light duty after some light spotting-thankfully that was old blood.  This period led to no sleeping, and a time of extreme anxiety and depression.  Thankfully ambien allowed me to sleep and pepcid let me eat something at least.  

During this i prayed and begged and fought and did everything i could think of to prevent another surgery.  Surgery is no way to have a baby, but it beats bleeding to death.  Then i began to reason-Joyce Meyer has an excellent chapter against it in her book "Battlefield of the Mind"-maybe the surgery needs to happen for a reason.  Why might i need it?  The best answer my mind came up was maybe something will be found that would otherwise never be found.  I reasoned my way into the belief that some tumor that would not be caught would be spotted during the surgery. Nothing.  I was a little shocked by this, but also very relieved.  I thought i had relaxed and gotten over.  Sadly the last week has proven that is not true.  The nightmares about some awful health scare has returned.  I have dreaded everytime my phone has rang during the hours of 9-5.  i should have my results by early next week. Hopefully that will put an end to this dread.  But i wonder what will trigger it again?  What can i do to chase it away for good?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Swimming and high school

This morning is the first time that i went swimming since the first of July.  I am not sure if I swam July 1 even, but definately not after that because I was terrified of my water breaking while I was in the pool.  I have heard that my doctor is more concerned about someone not knowing, but i was afraid that i would know.  That i would know because someone would point the trail of funk behind me.  Since i knew that i wanted to go back and would die if  that happened once it seemed like i was getting slightly more regular contractions i decided to skip the pool.  5 days was easy to do.  Had I gone the full 9 days to my scheduled surgery I am not sure I would have made it.  But the point of the post is how nice it felt to drift and push through the water.  Boy am i out of shape though.  Still did not put my face in the water for freestyle stroke.  20 plus minute of really going at it wore me out; and i know that my pace this morning was not full out.  

My swim today  did get me thinking about running.  I hate to run.  like really truly loathe it.  Some how the swim that kicked my butt got me thinking that running would get my conditioning right back where it needs to be.  It also pointed how trashed my abs are.  Now i am very motivated to get time on my performer and core max.  

Aj started school today.  No building change or anything, but it is still her first day of highschool.  I really should have gotten a picture, but well i did not think of it and the scene would not have been nice.  For some reason she hates it when i take her picture.  Maybe after school she will let me get a shot.  But i doubt i will forget the moment.  So here is the confessional piece of this just felt like a normal day.  I was more of a wow moment to imagine her starting 9th grade then it was dropping her off this morning.  After leaving the school and heading to the college to swim it felt more like life is back to normal.  

Is that bad?  Or is it just that often we get more bowled over thinking of the big events in our life then living them?  Or is it that life is a series of normal days that reveal our biggest triumphs?  Because sending off the remarkable young woman I gave birth to felt like a real triumph this morning.  

Next big journey is college, but is something to ponder in another 4 years....and pre-k for Tabytha which is scarier today. The my nursing newborn starting school is just...well i doubt i need to explain that feeling to any mother out there.  At least not one who sent a child off to any sort of journey this fall.  

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A 5 hour block of sleep

So last night Tabytha slept for a block of 5 hours.  Yeah!  Hopefully this will be a new trend that will be repeated nightly.  Because the 4 plus hour block of that i slept was great.  Tomorrow i will need to set an alarm to make sure a child is off to school on time.  I now get to resume driving to Chestertown at least twice a day.  So tomorrow my plan is to swim after dropping child off at school.  How weird it will be to swim not pregnant.   I wonder if I will be comfortable to put my face in the water?  Of course the plan to swim on Wednesday has a greater of chance of success then the one on Monday because I will be driving my daughter to school.  

But dwelling on my high schooler can wait a minute, or a day.  I have plenty of time to go wow what did I do?!!  The good lord willing i also have plenty of time to enjoy both of my girls.  the driving well that not so much.  But this year has taught that everyday is a gift.  Even more so when not burdened by the clouds of grief, fear and anxiety.  The anxiety i feel trying to creep back, but today i banish it with the knowledge that God is good.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


Today seems to have been touched with an underlying twinge of sadness all day.  I have no idea why.  We all had a pretty decent time running around today.  I do hope that feeling good was not some temporary tease of a thing. Maybe it is just pervasive tiredness.  So hopefully an early night will banish it.  

still blown away at the thought of my aj being in high school.  

Friday, August 21, 2009

Packed Away baby clothes

So funny that after posting on beginnings and endings yesterday this morning started off with baby clothes that needed to be put away.  My husband got up after me with Tabytha and noticed that she needed a diaper and a gown change.  So he went to grab a onesie as it was already so hot.  He grabbed a few that she had already outgrown.  I pretty much knew that she had, but had not tried them on and put them away yet.  I now have a decent sized pile of things that no longer fit her.  Sort of fitting in light of the idea of how fleeting every season is.  I know that pile of too small thing will only continue to grow.  At least i hope that it does because the alternative is not nice at all.  But still a little sad to see it grow so quickly.  

I ditched the beach with the family to stay in.  Which for me is remarkable.  Too hot out and well I need a break after a few days stuck in a car or the house with everyone.  I had fantasies of getting so much done.  That did not happen as is often the case for parents of 6 week olds.  Kevin piled the  older girls off the play in the sand and i met a friend for lunch.  Hopefully a good day for all.  A real treat since this morning started with a twinge of melancholy.  This afternoon after time in the word and a day with just me and the baby seems to hold much more promise and joy.  

Good is good.  Nice time today in the proverbs and Nehemiah 8.  I could feel the peace descend as i dwelt on the meaning and promise of the Word.  God is good! 

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The end of summer

Yesterday i was looking at my uber talented friend's Heather's flickr stream and she has posted some shots of dying corn that she labeled the summer's end and seeing them made me a little sad.  It is sort of funny because my next thought was that it barely felt like we had a summer at all.  But it did really get me thinking and i wanted to post some random thoughts on summer and ends.  Yes I know technically summer does not end for another month and labor day is 2 weeks away, but next week the kids start school and well let's face it that is the end of summer. 

Are endings always sad?  I think in a way they generally are.   The Sunday night I went into the hospital to have the baby I did feel a tinge of sadness along with the nerves.  I was nervous because somehow deep inside i knew that if I walked into maternity he was going in to take the baby.  But I was also a little sad because I knew that was the end of the pregnancy.  Even though it felt like the pregnancy from hell, i was sad to see it end.  And not just because I did not get my bellycast done.  That may well prove to be the last time I felt a child move inside me(odd to miss that after the way Tabytha battered me).  The night before may prove to be the last time i looked on my full ripe pregnancy created curves.  I did not feel that happy about my pregnancy tummy when trying to chop vegetables, but that is another thought stream.  I wonder how much of the post baby blues is linked to a sadness over the end of something.  

Every ending brings a new beginning.  I do love the new beginning of getting to know my precious long awaited baby girl.  I really wish she could give one night with a nice 6 hour block though.  Come on baby once a week just to help your momma out.  But eh sleep i can do that later.  I might never again hold a cooing infant.  A screaming one does not generate the same ahhh feeling somehow.   Each milestone seems like a delight and a loss at the same time.  To borrow a phrase from the equally talented Derrika the halycon days of childhood are fleeting.  Is it that knowledge that motivates women to go through it all again?

Summer, summer is it even a summer at all with no trips to the beach?  That will hopefully be corrected Friday and Tuesday.  Even as i think fondly of summer and sadly of it ending, I also focus on the delights of the fall to come.  Wow my daughter starts high school this year.  In 4 years, God willing, I will be packing her up and settling her into college.  That year I will send one child off into adulthood with the start of college and the other one will be just starting her school journey in pre-school.  wow in black and white that seems so overwhelming.  wow.  

For the next 6 days at i plan on enjoying the last fleeting moments of summer and the freedom it brings.   

Monday, August 17, 2009

Off the Broke Reserve List

So happy about to jump for joy.  Pilates here I come.  Man it feels so good to be free of restrictions.  I have felt so much better today then before.  I told the ob that i felt more sane now then during the pregnancy.  Hopefully, this feeling good is not some sort of temporary thing.  I did score pretty well on my ppd screening so maybe that is good news.  There have been a few days when i thought that monster had gotten me.  I do know that it can still strike for the next few months at least.  But I got a much better report on it then I expected.  

Since April  I have lived in the land of can't.  I expected at any turn of a corner to start bleeding or some other pregnancy caused complication.  Since July of course incision fears.  Those were more daunting then the previa concerns.  Wheew the relief to just be told you are under no restrictions.  Now if only this leg would behave.  

The best was according to the doc my risks of having Placenta Previa did skyrocket like I thought. Which seems odd, but the man does know his stuff.  Not that I am sure eager to rush into another surgery.  Wow how did such a natural girl(well ok outside of the hair color,basic grooming and tan from a bottle)  end with her only option being option c?    Is that reason enough to raise 2 only children?  But there is time to answer this question.  Plus I am banishing fear for now.  God is good and has showed me recently that restoration is possible.  

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Today is a beautiful day!

Today i will rejoice in the day that the Lord has made! 
I also plan to delight in the miracle he gave me.  Tabytha is up and smiley today.  What a delight.  These days are so rare.  I thank God for the chance to delight in them.  The Psalms remind us that no matter how dark the night, the morning always comes.  

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I know that the sun will shine

Or alternate title I know that the baby will not be crank everyday.  Yesterday Miss Tabytha was off all day.  Thankfully she slept well though the night.  i handed her off at 9:30 and went to sleep.  She fussed awake right after that and daddy took care of getting her back to sleep.  My husband really is a great father.  In fact, he is so beating me at this parent thing right now.  

This morning after a night of sleep I know that everyday will not be like yesterday was.  I also know that I will not feel this sadness that has been like a cloak between me and the world forever.  So I do know that no matter how gray the moment might seem one day the sun will shine.  While pouring my tea i thought one day it will not matter how my daughter got here.  I have always believed that it was more important the she be ok, but there is still an ache to have not given birth.  Surgery is not giving birth.  But I am hopeful that soon the feeling of loss over not haven given birth will go away.  I know that hormones and the whole birth thing in general will go away soon.  I hope so.  The funny thing is that writing this if feels like I am being whiny.  I am sorry if it seems that way.  I even get how in the grand scheme of things this is not so big, but it is how I feel today.  Which i can say is better then how i felt a few weeks ago even.  
I am still left wondering who sets out to do this to themselves?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Living in the Land of Can't

Living in the Land of can't is no fun at all.  It feels like I have ben stuck there since Spring.  Thanks to pregnancy in general and a nice little complication in general it felt like the pregnancy was all about living in the land of can't.  

The food limitations were not so bad.  I can give up Sushi and brie cheese for a few short months--of course I forgot no sushi until after breastfeeding was done.   Feta and goat cheese were easier to skip until you go to a restaurant and try to order a salad beyond a basic tossed.  Add blue cheese and at least where I live just request no cheese.  But really not that bad.  After all it is only a season.  

The physical limits are and were much worse.  No lifting, no pilates, no being a wife, no a whole lot else.  Monday a lot of those go away and boy am I ready.  But today I had a bit of a revelation while trying to stretch and listening to Joyce Meyer.  As someone who is normally quite limber fighting through just to touch my toes was no fun-but that is not so much the point.  I realized that I was the person locking myself in the land of can't.  Not my doctor or the pregnancy, but me.  There is so much I can do, but i ignore of neglect those and focus on what I can not do.  So today I have a choice to keep whining or to be grateful for what I can do.  

One of those things is hold my new baby.  My baby who was delivered at term, who left the hospital the day I did.  Not something I thought would happen when I lost my mind and had some pre-term contractions at 28 weeks, even my doctors were unsure I would make it to term.  To have done so with no bleeding was even more remarkable.  I know many people that would give anything just to get pregnant.   A baby that appears to be perfectly healthy.  A year ago I felt the same thing myself.   I remember seeing a friend who just had a baby and while being so happy for her, being at the same time sad and a little envious.  

So for today at least I am going to focus on my can dos.  That is my plan/goal at least.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

First Post

Ok so here goes.  This idea has floated in the brain for a bit and now it is time to try it.  It feels weird now that I started.  The ideas floated in my head so much easier when it was just an idea.  Another Tuesday with no doctor visits.  This was week 5 without them, and i think the day felt empty in part because it still seems weird not to be going to a doc visit on a Tuesday.  After 6 months of every month, then every week with a nst from 30 weeks on, it still feels like Tuesday should have some sort of a doctor/hospital visit.   That does not even include the visits to Annapolis with the perinatologist.    

Next week will have 2, one for Tabytha to get a final look at the hip and an omt for me.  I get the 6 week check with the ob on Monday.  The Monday appointment seems like a final sign that the pregnancy is indeed done.  Looking forward to the next 6 months with baby.  I have waited so long to do this, so why do I feel so lost?  Is that normal?