Thursday, December 31, 2009

New Years Resolutions

I am not always a big resolutions person, but this year feels different.  Not only am i doing resolutions, i am breaking them down by categories.  This post will not catch them all, but i have several already listed and this seems like a good holding spot for them.  I am going to work on a tracker so i can see what all i get through.  

brazil butt lift, more swimming which will require me to feel safe putting my face in the water again, wii fit and a partner to do more walks with and someone to try running with.  Also more yoga and less beating myself up.  

Cooking/Food:I am going to master crepes-have the most fab banana sauce inspired by bananas foster- and souffle. fab gooey and decadent chocolate souffle.  I want to try more ethnic cooking as well.  Like Indian or thai.  Stuff i enjoy eating out and don't make at home.  Our new economic reality makes that pretty essential.  I am also going to make more foods that i enjoy, like squid and mussels.  The rest of the gang around is going to have to suck it up and eat the stuff or starve.  

homemaking: Time to address the clutter and clusters all over this house.  Then i will more comfortable to have people over.  I miss socializing with friends.  Plus this way i can host a few friends who have us over a lot.  It might even help with the less stressing part of my wellness goal.  Not to mention the toddler i will have soon means a sqaured away home is necessary.  

Family: enjoy them more.  Bond be tighter.  Some of those things are happening naturally with being in more.  Maybe even some of the cooking with aj.  A lot more grace and break giving, being a little less high strung---but not with being pigs!  

Friends- work on being a better one and expanding my circle.  

bible reading to be more frequent and deeper.  

Finances: to get off the feast or famine cycle.  Get some real savings and make that automatic.  Like i would love to end the year with 10k in a plain old saving account and an active retirement fund.  

Fun to live deeper and have a better life.  A week at the beach.  We are going somewhere even if we just stay in a tent.  The water is calling me.  Going for a week with everyone to San Diego would be even better, but Hilton Head could be just as fab.  
Well i doubt that is everything, but it is quite a long start at least.  I do tend find the first year after a baby a great time to start over for me as well. 

Monday, December 28, 2009

Merry Christmas

WE did have one.  Well one minor burp, but we decided to enjoy our simple day.  We focused on no pressures and no running.  I have a couple of friends who ran all day, to the point that it really disrupted their celebrating.  The best decision was the one to celebrate the gift that we received in July.  It did help a lot. WE took our time with everything and really enjoyed ourselves.  

So simpler can be just as nice.  
I got my appointment set for the urologist.  Not sure how i am doing with that, but until i go it is hard to know how or what to feel.  I love my daughter and want her to have the best possible life.  I am not sure if i would rather hear wait and it might resolve, or in 3 months we will e,y or z to fix it.  The thought of surgery is not nice, but neither is waiting for years to see.  So i am doing all that i can.  I am enjoying my baby and leaving the rest in God's hands.  Because it is all there anyways.  No need to make myself crazy stressing about something i can not control.  But i will not shut off feeling, because that does not work either.  

Lovelykins wakes so time to go

Saturday, December 19, 2009

When a rule out becomes a rule in

So i am now living in the land of ruled in.  Like the tests we went to showed a problem.  I guess i somehow just knew to be worried.  No results on the Sonogram yet.  At least not since 3 or so Friday.  The vcug showed some reflux.  Basically my baby had a cath tube stuck in her bladder, contrast was pumped in to see how the bladder fills, then they are moved around to see if any dye goes in the ureters.  Sadly it was reported that some reflux was noted.  i am not sure of it was on one side or both.  i mean does it even matter.  Merry Christmas to me.  Wow i was already grinchy with no money and all.  This i am sure will not help.  

So now i wait to hear when i meet with a urologist at Johns Hopkins.  This part seems so scary.  I have read that the problem can resolve itself.  I sure hope so.  The thought of lovelykins getting anymore procedures, or God forbid surgery is just scary to me.  In the meantime and until further notice i need give a daily half teaspoon of bactrum.  not really a fan of medicating, but it beats serious long term scaring of the urinary tract.  At least we 4 healthy months.  Why can't i enjoy my babies all the way to one year?  I only asked for 6 months this time.  I guess we just fell 2 weeks short of that....

I am a little numb and not sure how i feel or even how to act.  Kevin is away and already delayed.  Thanks to the storm i have no idea when he will get home.  Church has already pretty much been canceled.  No need for anyone to risk themselves.  i am beginning to get a more numb then i think is safe.  i need to stay feeling and engaged.  I can feel the shutdown happening.  I doubt that shutting off again will be good for anyone.  I have loved our mommy baby dance so far.  

Today exhaustion might be part of the problem.  Up till one waiting from the teen to get home from her midnighter.  That is what the all nighter switched to with the storm.  

I really need my man.  I just want to be held by him and know that this fight like all of the others we are in together.   I also wish it was someone other then me shoveling and trying to get the dogs to pee outside.  But off for a shower.  it is truly restorative.  And yes even confined this woman needs one

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Time Flies

One year ago today was my first ob checkup.  Wow i will hit these milestones over the next few months.  They will i am sure culminate with July 5-Tabytha's 1 year birthday.  The first was last month with one year of realizing i was pregnant.  The doctors appointment was the first time it seemed real  Helped in no small part by my husband not wanting anyone to know until after that appt.  i was allowed to breech for 2 close girlfriends.  Somehow the secret seemed not right to me.  I feel it in some way set a tone for the entire pregnancy.  I do remember a few periods of bliss during my pregnancy though.  Odd how my doc kept the secret of no v-bacing from me while we kept our secret from people who were and are quite close to us.  Are secrets ever really good?

Tomorrow i have to take Tabytha for a sonogram of her kidneys.  This seems to be a common rule out for infants with utis.  hopefully, all will go well, but still pray for us.  I am more nervous that i want to admit about it.  I was not bothered about the hip, but this for some reason i am.  I have even started a few negative loops again this week.  I am not sure exactly why.  it would be nice to know what brings them so they could be just as easily banished.  But no easy fix for that i guess.

I have also realized that i am just pissed this last week.  I think i have lied to myself about this one.  I am it turns out pissed at my doc for lying to me in the first place, i know c-section was needed and better to be on lock down 20 mins from home, but still irked about the original deception.  I should go over this with him first, but i will probably have to wait until my next annual to do that.  I am also flamingly pissed over needing a c-section at all.  to think of all these who could care, yet they get to push.  i mean who could care either way mentally--why?  or people who could really care how their body looks,, no new scar for them.  Why do i get yet another line on my body.  Flamingly pissed about it.  most especially the little overhang that never goes away after being cut open and sewn back together with the extra baby belly.  I guess a deeper, better woman would not care, but i do.  i have also realized that i feel a little like God left me.  Now that last bit is not good and is a thought i need to get working on banishing.  Maybe some fear over that is linked to the negative looping.  Something for me to explore another day.

For now i need to stop before this becomes a book and i get none of the church paperwork i am next door to do done.  

Has anyone else ever felt this flamingly pissed over something rather normal, or so left by God?  

Monday, December 14, 2009

The yucks

My husband has been ill with some head cold type of thing for almost a week now.  My general response to this is to generally functionally isolate him.  Yes i am a germaphobe.  This time for some odd reason i did not.  I have been feeling really good physical health wise and supplementing rather well.  i think that arrogance was my downfall.  Two days in a row now i woke up with the yucks.  Today feels a little worse then yesterday.  So now i have added gargling and increased supplementing-i added vit c, acidolophis and garlic.  I was hoping to feel better today.  Hopefully, tomorrow.  The down comforter is coming off the bed and the thermostat is going back down another degree or two.  

Tabytha even seemed very stuffy this morning.  SO the humidifier is getting turned back on.  I really thought with the near constant rain the air would be wet enough.  God knows that the ground all around Millington is sure saturated.  The amount of standing water is amazing.  But i will try anything to have us both feeling better.  Well anything but an over the counter cold remedy- ironically the only thing my husband tries.  We so live on different planets when it comes to health and wellness.  

I need to be better.  I hate feeling sickly and i so do not want to miss Lex this week.  My carb consumption is through the roof.  But christmas cookies are yummmy.  12 days to go, then time to cut the sweets for a bit.  

Tuesday, December 8, 2009


ok looking at a picture of Tabytha in her crib and bassinet brought something home to me.  It often is all about perspective.  I know the quality on the one picture is awful, but hopefully it conveys how gigantic she appears in the bassinet.  Yes she has about that much room at her feet as well.  

The picture of her in the crib makes her look so tiny.  In reality she is a healthy baby who is on perfectly on target based on her birth weight.  The pictures are taken within 2 days of one another.  

But boy does she look different based on her environment.  So many ways to go with that thought.  So as i am sitting her at home feeling all left behind and alone i know that is not true.  Sometimes we jut need to change surroundings to get a clearer look at the situation.  

gotta run the Tabytha awakens

Thursday, December 3, 2009

Lovelykins is sick

My poor little baby has her first real illness.  She was so grumpy and off and we got a slight fever so i sucked it up and saw the doc i am not too fond of in my group.  Slight indications of an ear infection, but the super messy diaper we had right before leaving gave him a clue of another possible cause.  WE meant a cath to catch urine to get a ua and culture.  UA came back suspicious.  So switch from amox which is cheap and everywhere to supra which is little farther away and a lot more $$.  Like 112 after insurance.  ouch.  But thank god i had it!  The iodine they use to get everything clear for the cath is no fun.  I had that done at 29 weeks and my hoo-hoo was annoyed for 2 days.  I was seriously less annoyed from the cath during surgery.  Poor little thing.  

I feel like such an awful mother.  I thought she was just cranky.  She was miserable Tuesday while i was running around doing errands.  I thought she was pissed to be in the car seat after all day sunday.  The the cranks yesterday were just frustrating.  At least i got her in.  Ikes a uti which are no fun at all.  My poor little lovelykins.  Hopefully another dose and the irritation will be gone.  This one feels so much more serious then thrush did.  I just feel so awful for her and like such a rotten mother.  I did not even try the crib.  She woke right after getting sat in the bassinet so all night with us.  Which means yet another night of no sleep for me.  

Sleep like a baby?! snort.  what a joke, they move and kick and wake and turn and keep the parent they are lying close aganist up all night.  thus the blog post before 6am.  At 5 i gave up trying to sleep.  So guess who hasn't slept since Sunday?  That is right me.  So prayers that i can make it through the next 2 days.  Kevin is in hunt valley getting training for a new revenue stream that he needs to finish to be considered for the work.  Thank god, but no pay of course so i am on when he is working and this counts at least imo.  So just holding out till friday night.  Then he is on if she is still up all night.  

AT least we should have clear skies later today.  So baby, mommy and 2 little doggies are going for a long walk.  Hopefully no one will melt down on it.