Saturday, November 20, 2010


That was the message i kept getting on all fronts yesterday. NOt something that I do well. I do not remember praying for patience. I guess God decided that the time was now for me to get that one. Seriously every front had extra hoops and wait type of answer. Yippy skippy.
Both the new re worked dream, the baby one and even the end answer to the baby one. So i guess i have no choice but to wait. Well starting in January i can take some small steps for a few ones. Oh even the job one had a semi-wait. I heard that the position i applied for is in no rush and might be waiting till the first of the year. Really??

It does make me wonder what big even is coming for the next 6 weeks that requires me to have time available? I am trying to assume good and not bad. But too many blindsides for the bad not to pop up first. Hmm maybe the message really is that trust word. Bleech. When i find out who has been praying for me to get that patience thing the game is on.

But with a little mind adjustment i am looking forward to fake thanksgiving at a friend's house. The 2 plus hour drive each way not so much. Who know maybe the day with all of the loud boys of various ages will send me running home screaming please God no baby boys. Somehow I doubt it though. I am sure much fun will be had by all. An afternoon with toddler boys will be great forTabytha.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dream Deferred or Cancelled?

How does one decide to give up a dream? How do you know when it is time? Is it when it starts to hurt too much to hope? When instead of enjoying what you have you only focus on what is missing? Even though many would say i have more then enough.

Or does it take something else to focus on?

The dream of a baby seems to be oh so painfully slipping away. Painful in part because i still ache for another one so bad. After last months tears and this months anger which seems to have spilled over into every relationship that is close, it might just be time. How do I give it up without locking myself into some anger or fear box. Can i just step back and say what is meant to be will be? Is this payback for earlier squandered chances?

I did apply for a job this week. Not sure how that will go and no word almost 48 hours later has me feeling a bit down. It felt weird, because this is the first time in almost 8 years i have applied for a job. I had other ones in the meantime, i just have not been an off the street applicant so to speak. I was shaking while finishing my cover letter which later I learned contained a typo. Yay another thing to beat myself up over this week. I really think that I need to be writing more.

But at least i have another new direction to focus on as well. Something else that has my kneed knocking and me sweating over. But having an end goal does help. Ironically it is an old dream re found and reworked. Funny how that works.

Maybe the answer is to read my last post and focus on the last word, the T word which seems to be quite hard for me right now. But no hiding under the covers or mindless games for me today.