Another leg done. At first my thought was leg one done, but that is not the case. Every other class I have taken in college has played a role in this semester. Both in terms of credit counts and how I choose to attack this semester, or leg of the journey. Somehow the idea of boat type of analogies come to mind. I have not so much started from fresh as adjusted course. Or maybe it is more like I am getting another chance to visit somewhere I had doubts I would make.

Either way if is a leg or a new start this piece is done. Not just finished, but conquered! Well a 4.0 sure feels that way. I think Statistics may have been a bit of a gift, but it is one I am not returning for sure! I will say thank you with a big old grin. I am loathe to say it is deserved, but I sure did work for it. Wow the days of craziness and near to fight my way through a 40 problem homework. 38 of those being multiple part one with like a-d. Very glad to have that done. I might still break out the book at the end of the week to run back through a few ideas from the last chapter. Because my knowledge from the course is clearly not a gift. Truly something earned.

The little break I get to spring clean and organize the house and well my life is nice. I am just as ready to jump right back in and have time off with the kids to enjoy. But really I can enjoy time off with Tabytha. Even at 2 there are glimmers in everyday. It takes effort to see every fit the frustration it is. I will saw that my jaw is was less clenched when I do.

I am so grateful to all who played a part in my completing the restart of my journey. Bless you all. Mostly to my husband and children. Yes family all week I will cook and we can even after 4:30 this week.

Inspiration and a new Direction.

I am not sure whether to title this post inspiration or a slightly new post. I guess when i am done typing and name we will all know.

Yes i am back and alive. I will do another post on how the semester went and completing a leg on the journey.

I woke up yesterday morning and felt the need to create. Not with yarn, but with food. It felt like the last few weeks had been all about grind it out and move on. I wanted to spend time and make something new so I did. It felt almost like the thought was blessed. One of the first posts on my facebook feed was a corn pasta. Yeah I had a plan. The link to the blog i got it from is here http://bakedbree.com/. I am so glad to have found her.

We went to market and got some great local ingredients.

Baby red romaine gave way to a great salad. I mixed in some micro greens from the same vendor as the romaine. To make it even better i roasted some cherry tomatoes. A buck a pack at ACME, no way I could pass that up.

This times I was good. I kept to the recipe for the pasta. I did use whole wheat angel hair in place but otherwise I went with it as written. It is a pretty pasta.

I just can't wait to use fresh eastern shore sweet corn. Just thinking about the local corn makes my mouth water. Really enjoy living here and I plan to spend the next few years enjoying everything about it.

I had some frozen flavored shrimp and decided to round out the meal with that. I did not snap before serving so here is a picture of myhusband's plate.

I got a funny look just taking that one.

Oh and the salad with roasted tomatoes and the parm cheese.

I called the blog Cora's take and i really want it to be just that my take. My take on everything not just the mental disfunction I have focused on. So look for posting more often and on more things. More on every area of my life.

I like cooking so a lot more of that will be featured. But it will not be all about that even if I do feed between 4-6 people everyday.

Today it feels like i am war. The one that feels the most pressing is the war with myself. Well my own body at least. Mother's day is approaching and I know that the gift i most wanted for that day will not be. Well at least not right now. In February i was so sure that it would happen, just not then. How is it that less then 60 days later that sureness is gone? or fleeting at best really? I suppose that reveals the other war, the on with my mind. What sometimes feels like a war with my faith. For now at least none of it changes my love for Jesus.

I guess when it does that will be time to stop. But what would stopping cost? Would it really leave me feeling trapped in that frail broken box? Or would it be the moment i let myself out once and for all? It all seems so much and overwhelming now. Like crawl back in bed and pull up the covers too much. But with school motherhood and wifely duties that is not even an option today. In fact the luxury of this post might be on the selfish side today. I should be speeding through the shower so i can get to studying. End of semesteritis has truly set in. I need to shake it of so finals can get studied for. I would hate inattention to wipe out and entire semester's work.

So a few more sentences and then time to get to work. Today i know it is ok to be sad. Really feeling is good and important. The watch point for me is when it takes away from enjoying what I have. I am blessed and loved. Focusing on that is my goal not just for today, but for hopefully the rest of my life. What a gift to enjoy what i have without envy of what other's have.

Now to shower so I can study. Statistics is no fun so I can give myself a little on that one. 2-3 more homework problems, then I think i will start studying for my algebra final. Maybe weaving them in together will break some of the blahness about it all.

Or maybe it is a sign that i just need more sleep?

Bask in your blessing and let that guide you to peace today.

Cora

A loss

Yes it is a loss, but I mean it isin't like I sat the baby down and it ran off. Or like I can't remember where I put my keys. But yet the term often used is we lost the baby. Nor is the news even surprising. Still shocking and a little painful to hear. I am most worried for our family members we told. How do I call my parents and tell them? I have great parents and know I will be there first concern. But still it is sometimes harder to have others share in loss and grief.

Nor do I feel like the special gift was stolen from me, just that for some reason the time wasn't right. Well it is no fun to go through at any time, better early then late. Even at 10 weeks after my first appointment would have been more heart wrenching. 20 weeks unimaginable. That does bring a measure of solace. A sense that someone is watching out for me. I know that no matter what God has got me. I know i can get pregnant and that my husband truly wants it. Both things until this week I had doubts about. It feels once again like Cora & Kevin and that is very precious to me. I love you husband.

I know that i need to take the time to grieve. One major lesson from everything I went through while pregnant with Tabytha, but at the same time I just want to move on. Look forward and not be defined by this. IT happened and I have a new sense of what others go through. But for now my focus is my blessings. With a nearly 16 yr old and a 19 month old and 2 math classes this semester there is not a lot if time to stop. I feel the emotions as they come. But for now it is being tired and a sense of wanting to just be.

Am I numb? I do not think that is it. This month that we will take off from trying will be a time to heal and rest. We are both committed to trying again, but ready to be done at the same time. Well at least I am done. Not done enough to stop, but done enough to know with certainty the next baby will be the last for us. Not from a scared or hysterical place, but a place of peace. So in some small and odd way my prayer for peace seems to be answered. I am even at peace somewhat with the loss. At this point I am 48 hours out from it. I did not need the blood test to know what my body was doing. I also know that times of sadness will still hit. They will come and go like waves I am sure. But i know we can manage them.

Wait

That was the message i kept getting on all fronts yesterday. NOt something that I do well. I do not remember praying for patience. I guess God decided that the time was now for me to get that one. Seriously every front had extra hoops and wait type of answer. Yippy skippy.

Both the new re worked dream, the baby one and even the end answer to the baby one. So i guess i have no choice but to wait. Well starting in January i can take some small steps for a few ones. Oh even the job one had a semi-wait. I heard that the position i applied for is in no rush and might be waiting till the first of the year. Really??

It does make me wonder what big even is coming for the next 6 weeks that requires me to have time available? I am trying to assume good and not bad. But too many blindsides for the bad not to pop up first. Hmm maybe the message really is that trust word. Bleech. When i find out who has been praying for me to get that patience thing the game is on.

But with a little mind adjustment i am looking forward to fake thanksgiving at a friend's house. The 2 plus hour drive each way not so much. Who know maybe the day with all of the loud boys of various ages will send me running home screaming please God no baby boys. Somehow I doubt it though. I am sure much fun will be had by all. An afternoon with toddler boys will be great forTabytha.

Dream Deferred or Cancelled?

How does one decide to give up a dream? How do you know when it is time? Is it when it starts to hurt too much to hope? When instead of enjoying what you have you only focus on what is missing? Even though many would say i have more then enough.

Or does it take something else to focus on?

The dream of a baby seems to be oh so painfully slipping away. Painful in part because i still ache for another one so bad. After last months tears and this months anger which seems to have spilled over into every relationship that is close, it might just be time. How do I give it up without locking myself into some anger or fear box. Can i just step back and say what is meant to be will be? Is this payback for earlier squandered chances?

I did apply for a job this week. Not sure how that will go and no word almost 48 hours later has me feeling a bit down. It felt weird, because this is the first time in almost 8 years i have applied for a job. I had other ones in the meantime, i just have not been an off the street applicant so to speak. I was shaking while finishing my cover letter which later I learned contained a typo. Yay another thing to beat myself up over this week. I really think that I need to be writing more.

But at least i have another new direction to focus on as well. Something else that has my kneed knocking and me sweating over. But having an end goal does help. Ironically it is an old dream re found and reworked. Funny how that works.

Maybe the answer is to read my last post and focus on the last word, the T word which seems to be quite hard for me right now. But no hiding under the covers or mindless games for me today.

Grow Love Trust

A new little motto/mantra for me. I have returned to journaling. Well at least for one day. I need to say with it. I noticed that i was numbing and becoming quite down over the last week. That is probably fitting considering what is going on. A lot of which i do not feel is right to share here. Yes funny when you look at some of the things i have shared, but they were about me. Some of the things involve others and i am not ready to share the impact on me yet fully. Partly because i am still figuring out what they do mean and how much they do affect me.

So why these words? I think they fit best with the path or journey that i am on. Love is the most pure thing. 1 Corinthians gives a beautiful illustration of it. And it is something that I am pushing someone else to choose, so I better be doing the same myself! So i need to look at my feelings, actions and reactions through this filter first. And sometimes loving myself to put an end to any pain or hurt does fit this model-at least for me and where I am now.

Grow- We have 2 choices grow or die. I pick grow. It seems to fit best and I am not ready to die. I have 2 beautiful children who i made commitment to when i wanted them. And yes inside and the hope that should rule all of us does count. Again at least to me. I want to teach my girls to reach for the stars. To choose the best and to give that back to the world.

Trust-- as a christian this should be the easiest to claim, but for me I find it the hardest. To surrender, sit back and let God. Let's just say this is not my first impulse. But this is big enough and important enough that no one else is worthy of working on it. So it i mean and truly believe what I claim then i need to sit back and trust God to do what is best. It still does not take away the sting of a no. Getting that answer as a final might just break my heart- lucky for me i know someone with specializes in fixing those.

So instead of eat pray love go out and love, grow and trust.