2 Nights in a Row

Yeah yes through the night in her own crib 2 nights in a row. It is the best birthday gift for me. One year ago i found out we were expecting a precious baby girl. I have started another post on that issue and will develop my thoughts specific to that later in that post. This one is happy and full of celebration. In some ways the gap i have is very fun. My oldest daughter made me a cake today and it was very fun to wake and cuddle a baby. The morning are sooo much easier at least for me when she sleeps a 5 hour block and even better if it is in her crib. She never sleeps that well in my bed. I wonder if she smells the milk and at every little move wakes to get it because of proximity? Really something to wonder.

But really it is such a treat to have a baby for whom i am so it. Maybe i am a lot more narcissistic then i want to admit. My angel just woke from her nap much happier then she did first thing this morning. I feel so bad for Kevin when she gets like that, but at the same time it feels so good. Also i know it must pain my 14 year old to see so much go into the baby, but i tray as best i can to balance. Or maybe it is just how very little i am allowed.

As much as so much of what i went through during the pregnancy was so traumatic for me; it was also good because now i am here present and so much more aware. Being fake horomone free helps a lot i am sure. I know i can not go back in time and change things and the best i can do is be better now. It still pains sometimes to see the gulf. How much of that is just the age though? Really with both girls. My beautiful cuddly baby will come to need me less and less with almost every passing day. But today i am basking in my family and what they need from me now.

This week as i was late and we thought maybe a decision was made. We are ready to start trying, so we will. Who knows how long that will take. However long it does is fine with us. How fun it will be to raise children together. I am looking forward to the next year and the changes and challenges it will bring.

Level 2 Sonogram One Year Ago

Son one year ago was my level 2 sonogram. The test was scheduled on my 38th birthday. I have decided never again for tests on my birthday if it can be avoided. It is something that makes it all a little cloudy. I did not get so much of a negative result or anything, just the first mention of placenta previa. It was also the day we found out the baby was a girl. The first time we realized that we would need to come up with a girl name.

ok try number 3 for this post. Whatever i get before getting pulled away is what i am posting. it is needless to say close to 2 weeks after the date, but ehh at least it is getting done.

Wow the feelings and thoughts of one year ago on this issue seem so far away, more like a decade or so then a year. We wanted a boy. Honestly we still do. But i love my daughter so much. some moms admit they have children they click better with then others, all mom do in my opinion some are able to be more honest about it. The one they are instantly closer with--this is not about loving one more-Tabytha is that child for me. I do not think a son would have that same bond for me. But maybe i am wrong about that and it created by everything that i went through to get here with that pregnancy. Who knows? God does of course.

So ow i felt about the sex can stay in the past, placenta previa at this point was not a big deal. Of course it went on to so define my pregnancy. How broke i felt and how the baby got here. Because honestly without that i would have gone with a midwife or another ob. Mine is wonderful in a lot of ways, but they do not vbac and that was something i was determined to. Now as a 2 time looser i have to tell myself that door is closed and padlocked. Because i am ready to do this baby thing again. But i am truly leaving it in God's hands this time. Ironically i am tracking my basal temp for the next 3 months, but that is for thyroid purposes, not fertility. i can appreciate the irony though.

4 days after my sonogram i learned that i had been led on in regards to v-bacing with my doc. It was somewhat accidental that i found out at that point i am sure. My first appt with the other doc in my group. Of course i walked out still believing that it could happen. Who am i kidding until the minute he started cutting i held out some vague hope that it could happen for me. But alas that was not to be. I have been reluctant to finish this post and i think delving into my feelings on this issue is why. It is a crazy i will most likely have to work actively to keep at bay now that i am ready for the next baby. It is taking a bit more work then i thought it would. But i need to keep looking forward. I know i would regret letting fear snatch another child from me more in 5 years then i would regret surgery number 3. So i need to keep looking to 5 years down the road and focusing on the big picture.

To help with that i am trying to keep focused and daily in the Word. I am also making a few decisions about next time. We will keep some mystery and not find out the sex until the baby is born. I am going to speak up and limit some of the screenings. i will still do the first 2 big screening at 12 and 18 weeks. even a few nst's, but 2 good in a row and i will look at stopping them, unless they actually make me feel better. Odd how they are stressful and reassuring all at the same time. But really probably something for me to worry about after i am pregnant. Boy i am stress monster. Healthy and happy is much more important then how they get here. I do love being a mom. Being a mom to a baby is especially touching. But like all things it is a season. A season i am enjoying to the fullest. If we get another, wonderful. How odd it will be to parent 2 children under 5 at the same time. I just hope i prove to be up to the challenge.

Released from Hopkins

Yeah and yippee.  That is the feeling that slowly took over.  It was not an instant cheerleading yeah in the office.  More something that crept in as we got in the road and fully hit as we set down to eat at the cheesecake factory.  Our first meal out at a restaurant in what felt like forever.  Assuming no utis we will need to get a kidney sonogram in 2 years.  The specialist said our doc might go with 1 year which is fine.  Woo-hoo.  

The day did not start with that giddy sense of joy.  In fact, i was super wound up.  I brought a scarf i am making for kevin with me to knit.  I knitted practically the entire drive and large amounts of time during testing.  That coping mechanism can still kick in when needed.  In fact i was so spun i almost wanted to insist that they sedate Tabytha.  Yep hello miss minimal medicator almost asked for drugs.  Kevin held the line and we were able to get shots obviously.  I just could not handle the thought of waiting and another trip.  Thankfully the staff if used to stressed out parents.  Ron the nurse was wonderful.  Very kind and caring.  

Of course that joy got dinged a bit by an acting out teen.  When you have multiple children the good news from one can turn instantly into a challenge from the other.  Something i am not super used to.  It feels someday like the whole parenting thing is completely new to me.  I wonder how that feel if we do it again and i have 2 children under 5 at the same time.  Oddly i am really looking forward to that change.  Like can't wait to do it.  If i make it to july without actively trying it will surprise me a bit.  I am ready to take the hold button off and get things moving along.  But i need to be smart about it and don't need another stressful pregnancy.  

i do know that it is not entirely avoidable, but well i can try to minimize with simple things like waiting at least a year.  At this point i can say i will not wait two to even start trying.

But for now i am enjoying the family God has given me so far.

hopkins round two and other random thoughts

Tomorrow we go to John's Hopkins for the dmsa. That is a scan to check for scarring in the kidneys. (I bet i could type better without a squirmy baby in my lap). Since the defect in Tabytha was present inutero we need to check to see if any scarring is present before deciding on a long term treatment plan. I have already decided a large part of it--namely bye-bye bactrum. Since she did not qualify for the study to see if the course of treatment for the last 40 years is effective i decided to discontinue the preventative antibiotic. If you are certain, i have misgivings not sure = nope. Because i know long term use is not good in terms of treating other infections for the rest of her life. i have concerns about other medical affects as well. I mean how do that they not know more on the issue and not even specific to just urinary reflux patients?? Kevin is even onboard with it. I am not sure what is behind this whole change in mindset to even question a doctor, but i like it.

Tomorrow's trip does have me quite nervous. Freaked about sedating my baby, but i know she would never be still for the test. I know some anxiety about that is fueled even further by concern about the results. I really need some good news here.

Otherwise the last 2 weeks have been fairly calm. Kevin has work again. A nice bit, but not all fully settled on. Enough for me to feel good that jan bills will be paid before they are too late and that Feb bills might even get done on time. YEAH!

And i am knitting. I just finished the knitting part of a hat for tabytha, just need to sew up the seems. Next up a scarf for Kevin. AJ has even requested a hat. A hat will require some help from an experienced knitter. The scarf with a knit 2 purl 2 pattern should be pretty easy, got a nice dark yarn from the yarn shop that i think will work really well for it. I have some beautiful, but fine grade yarn coming from etsy. Not sure what I will do with that, something fun i am sure. Of course i am now obsessed with it, or maybe just with looking at all of the beautiful yarn available. So the scarf will be done on circular needles. Woot I will try to start that today and plan on taking it with me to Hopkins tomorrow. Who knows where this will lead. That is an item checked off my list for the year. Sadly my dinning room is still a paper cluttered mess, albeit it one with a lot fewer papers then 40 days ago. That is progress right?

Our Journey to Johns Hopkins

Easy drive on both ends, one never knows with a drive that involves the bay bridge. The drive was the easy straight forward part of the drive. Easy park and even lightening quick into the exam room in my opinion. Much quicker then my regular peds office. But then that is not necessarily a bad thing, because my regular doc takes all the time every visit takes. This visit felt very much like ding time is up. Or maybe it does not take long to say we really have no clue,

Oh wait they do have one clue at least. This is a genetically linked disorder. So we have a 40% chance of passing this along to another child. 2 in 5 does not look so bad on paper or monitor as the case may be. Somehow that felt like strike two against doing it again when i first heard it. Strike one is of course a third surgery. just writing that makes me shudder for some reason. Tabytha has a 70% chance of passing it along to her children. Nice happy news and that is truly the only concrete thing that they knew. Oh wait they also know that 80 % of all cases resolve by age 5. some do still clear up after that just not at a significant enough rate to warrant mention-if my kid was the one that resolved naturally at age 7 i would call it very significant! But that is science for you.

Now to what they don't know. They are not sure of the long term effects of antibiotics. Um yeah whatever i know that it can't be good, especially since they don't even know for sure that it prevents the recurrent utis. So they have decided after almost 40 years of this standard treatment to check it out. Largely because moms like me are questioning the effects of long term use and the government is questioning the cost. I mean a 40 year old study from the uk is all they have to go on. Uh hello 40 year old study done by a socialized medicine country. wth? How did that hang on for so long. Way more studies proving vbac is the way to go, yet that is declared a big fat taboo. Medicine makes no sense to me. Maybe the government will question the cost of c-sections and give 2 time losers like me some hope.

They also don't know for sure that they surgery prevents utis. Great so what exactly do we do? I am leaning between two thoughts on this. Surgery is completely off my list unless further tests reveal any serious defects in the kidneys. So my first thought is sign on for the protocol and help have answers for the next generation. The second one is pull her off the antibiotics right now. So for the now at least i am going ahead with what i have been doing 1/2 tsp of bactrum everyday. This option seems to leave the most options right now.

The good news is we are level 2 of 5 and only on one side. According to the specialist pretty impossible to catch on pre-natal ultrasound. That is quite reassuring to me. So we need to back for another procedure referred to shorthand as a dmsa. It has me super freaked out, they need to sedate her. So they can have her lie very still and see how the contrast dye injected in an iv concentrates in her kidneys. Anywhere it does not go is assumed to be a damaged and scarred area. Big fun. The doctor will meet with us right after so we do not need to do another trip there. Well based on the schedule i have tentatively for the 28th it really means appt for test @ 9:15 am with at least an 8:45 am arrival time and an appt with the doc at 1:15 that afternoon. So i guess i will be kicking it all day at Hopkins. I guess we will be buying food out that day.

So i am waiting for that appointment to make my final decision on the antibiotic. I would love for other mothers to get better answers, but medicating for no good reason is so against my nature. For a condition that can affect up to 20% of the population how do we still know so little? Well the 20% is even a guess thanks to a study in Denmark where all children were given a vcug and the defect was noted in 20% of all babies. The actual number for girls is right around 4% of the population who get it discovered. So that means like 95% of people with present no symptoms. I wonder how this links to kidney disorders in adults? Or hypertension?

It is just all so murky and unsure. No matter what it looks like the doc will not do another vcug for 2 years. So somewhere between 2-5 years of just waiting around. UGGh not my mentality at all. It feels like aj all over again. But only a little worse because this time i know that something is wrong. But this does not seem to be on the same boogey man level that the options for aj were. I guess there is hope in that. Maybe she wont be so cruel with this one for me.

Momma's Joy is 6 months

So for 6 months we get 2 pictures. I realize that eventually the shot will have to not be in the diaper, but for another 6 months i am going with it. What a healthy little chunk. Well weight, height and milestones wise. She is so pushing ahead. Still no teeth, but they are imminent. so on Tuesday January 5, 2010 6 months to the day Tabytha joy weighed 17 pounds was 25 3/4 inches long with a head circumference of 42.5 cm. she was also hitting the major milestones expected. The little bugger is trying to stand on her own. She is trying to sit up, but doing all abs so i wonder where she gets that from. I swear that i regularly see her try a pilates move. I will post about the hopkins visit, just in a separate one. This one can celebrate. The other one can go all dark and twisty.

I do so love her baby piggy toes. So cute. Everyone on Facebook kept commenting on her elbow dimples. Something i did not notice until then and am utterly charmed by. This is so my baby. She has a short time limit with anyone but me. She even has a short time limit when being around me and not held. I have always heard that a baby can not be spoiled for the first 6 months, i really hope that is true. Even daddy has a short time limit if mommy is not around. Last night it was 45 minutes. I was called back to tend to her it became so bad. I felt awful to see her so upset. The upside is that i appear to have made some progress with my knit stitch. Maybe in a few weeks i can try a purl stitch. Not sure if i will take her or not next month. Because daddy is home the second Friday of February. We will see, the ladies missed her.

I am still generally enjoying mommy baby dance. I think her issue is affecting it somewhat. i do generally like having a baby that is all about me. Some days though it would be nice to get a little more time not carrying around 17 pounds. I am pretty much carrying around all of the weight of the pregnancy again. Well the net effect is less because i am currently 9 pounds less then when i started. Still not satisfied with my shape yet. I really need to work on it. I did walk with a new partner yesterday in the snow. That looks like a promising development. Swimming next week with someone who will help with my breathing/face in the water issue.

So we will see.

Tabytha is really moving forward. Can't wait to see what she does in the next month.

Clear NT Scan

January 2, 2008 we had our first appointment with the perinatologist.  The big fun of a baby over 35.  My gp wrote my refferal for 6 visits.  WE all that was so over the top.  Little did we know how close to using all of them i would come.  The extra joy of going nutty and placenta previa.  Thanks to living on the wilds of the Eastern Shore it meant an hour drive to Annapolis to see the specialists that my ob likes.  The group really is great.  The visit took forever.  Thankfully, not all of my visits were that long.  

The first visit comes with all of the paperwork which had been mailed and dutifully filled out by me.  You arrive early and wait.  Then you meet with a genetic specialist.  They go over risk rates for certain disorders and ask about ethnic backgrounds.  My husband is adopted, so a lot of that we did not know.  Well we had a clue with his 2 healthy daughters.  Oddly seeing it all laid out like that made it somehow more comforting.  Then we get an option to add blood work screening which can further rule things out.  We of course accepted that.  Back to the waiting room.  

You are then called over to the ultrasound side, after some more waiting.  That is where the blood is drawn as well.  The us showed what to me was a remarkable amount of detail of my baby at 12 weeks.  Somehow she has always felt like a baby not a fetus to me.  They take shots at all sorts of different angles.  One she totally looks like some sort of an alien baby.  The test itself is super cool they are counting the folds at the back of the baby's neck.  The test is call neural translucency.  The name is kind of funny and feels a little odd on the tongue.  We passed with flying colors.  The blood work would further rule out downs syndrome and a host of other genetic defects.  I think after all of my clear testing my chance was something like 1 in 60,000.  Funny how with medicine it is never zero.  

Even those numbers did not come with a complete peace.  I was still so strung about how baby would get out.  Hope can be and often is a cruel bitch.

Oddly this was the first contracting check we received that day as well.  So that meant a little shopping and a nice lunch whole over the bridge.  With 13 plus months of wildcatting and almost 3 months this fall of no work i am fatigued with the consultant life.  Well really is going on almost 4 years now.  Paid time off and company healthcare seems like some long ago dream.  Sigh it would be nice. Setting your own schedule is not quite the panacea it seems from the other side.  Thankfully work came at the very tail end of November.  Not quite a full calendar or the full rate yet, but it inspires hope.  We are both at this point ready for full time.  2 weeks paid vacation and a week sick seem like some yummy dream.  Maybe this will be the year.  

I will either blog a lot this week or be rather silent.  I have a 6 month checkup and a trip to the pediatric urologist coming up.  Wish us luck with that.