Feeling The Crazy Creep Back

So is it normal to get a little spun when jumping on the ttc coaster? I think it just might. I strongly suspect it is best to just show up that way. And don't even get me started on what happens while pregnant.

But if you know me at all or even have read much of this blog you mine is a somewhat specific kind of crazy. the c-section crazy. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess the phrase a great study in 80's did not help. But honestly i need to own this crazy as all my own.  Hearing possible did not help, but let's be honest here i probably would be making these calls anyways.  Now i know a yes might be doable.  so far i am at 2 no's.  One group after the calls while pregnant last time i have no desire to call at all.  They are a big group and that does limit my nearer options.  A yes would not even necessarily guarantee a go with a new doc.  i need to clear a bit of air with mine.  They are excellent and my first choice to go with again.  Hmm maybe i'll try to hang with it and stick out till 9 cm's dialated??  Yeah right Kevin will so forcibly drag me in before that happens.  

As i was sharing today in bible study it is sad how quickly they come back.  Really guard which doors you open.  Because this is one door i wish i could shut.  but i am not even sure exactly why it was opened/created.  i know some and really wish i could spare others this torment.  But i also know that as other stressors pop in my life this one roars back.  Sometimes like a familar little safety valve and others as a way to cripple me.  My refusal to lay down this time and let fear steal the precious from me i am sure is strongly linked to why it popped back.  and i need to remind myself that it is only a moment, don't get me wrong major surgery then being sent home with a tiny human to care for sucks.  But it does not make me less.  So often we are mislead into believeing that things make us less.  And that is often not true at all.  So this lie i am trying to banish from my thought closet.  I will instead focus on the fact that i like being a mom and do a pretty decent job of it.  

And i will dwell strongly on Philippians 4:13 "I can do all thing through him who strengthens me."  and also know that God will take evil and make good from it.  Maybe the real test this time is to truly begin to forgive myself for past bad choices.  Because then maybe it really won't matter or hurt so much.  

Back on the TTC Coaster

So time to go for it and throw caution to the wind. Ok so after finally cycling in december and then being 10 days late the following month we decided why not? Honestly i need to be done. I really can't hit pause and just hang out on this issue for another 18 months. This decision needs to be about our family and what is right for mommy's head. The sad thing is how quickly the v-bac/c-section crazy came back. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess not. Thursday night i had a pretty descriptive dream of giving birth. Wishful thinking i am sure. It would still be nice though. I have a few places i am going to check though. It can't hurt,,,right?

Maybe it can. My husband is willing to cautiously precede with trying. He all but threatened to lock me up if i even suggested a home birth. So that is one crazy thought to keep to myself. honestly, not something i would even be comfortable with. Insurance requires me to stay in md and overall i am happy with my doc, just wished the did v-bac. My plan for now is to stay close to home. might as well be hospitalized 15 mins from home as anywhere else. And the nursing care really was/is top notch there. But a few calls to see if anyone will even give a 2 time looser like me a shot might be in order as well.

Of course a sane person would worry about that after getting pregnant. Maybe that distracts me from worrying about getting pregnant. I was 5 days later again this month. Today had i not started i was planning on testing. Eh well that saved me $15 at least. It would be nice to sail right into it again. But if it takes a longtime again, it takes a longtime again. Maybe though to start closer to ontime might be nice though. It was like just as you begin to think maybe?? Is it? The no comes somewhat loud and clear. Who knows by the end of the year i might decided that it is over. i tried hard not too pin so much hope on it this month, but i realized that i had.

Do they have a 12 step plan for going crazy about how to get pregnant and how they get out???

2 Nights in a Row

Yeah yes through the night in her own crib 2 nights in a row. It is the best birthday gift for me. One year ago i found out we were expecting a precious baby girl. I have started another post on that issue and will develop my thoughts specific to that later in that post. This one is happy and full of celebration. In some ways the gap i have is very fun. My oldest daughter made me a cake today and it was very fun to wake and cuddle a baby. The morning are sooo much easier at least for me when she sleeps a 5 hour block and even better if it is in her crib. She never sleeps that well in my bed. I wonder if she smells the milk and at every little move wakes to get it because of proximity? Really something to wonder.

But really it is such a treat to have a baby for whom i am so it. Maybe i am a lot more narcissistic then i want to admit. My angel just woke from her nap much happier then she did first thing this morning. I feel so bad for Kevin when she gets like that, but at the same time it feels so good. Also i know it must pain my 14 year old to see so much go into the baby, but i tray as best i can to balance. Or maybe it is just how very little i am allowed.

As much as so much of what i went through during the pregnancy was so traumatic for me; it was also good because now i am here present and so much more aware. Being fake horomone free helps a lot i am sure. I know i can not go back in time and change things and the best i can do is be better now. It still pains sometimes to see the gulf. How much of that is just the age though? Really with both girls. My beautiful cuddly baby will come to need me less and less with almost every passing day. But today i am basking in my family and what they need from me now.

This week as i was late and we thought maybe a decision was made. We are ready to start trying, so we will. Who knows how long that will take. However long it does is fine with us. How fun it will be to raise children together. I am looking forward to the next year and the changes and challenges it will bring.

Level 2 Sonogram One Year Ago

Son one year ago was my level 2 sonogram. The test was scheduled on my 38th birthday. I have decided never again for tests on my birthday if it can be avoided. It is something that makes it all a little cloudy. I did not get so much of a negative result or anything, just the first mention of placenta previa. It was also the day we found out the baby was a girl. The first time we realized that we would need to come up with a girl name.

ok try number 3 for this post. Whatever i get before getting pulled away is what i am posting. it is needless to say close to 2 weeks after the date, but ehh at least it is getting done.

Wow the feelings and thoughts of one year ago on this issue seem so far away, more like a decade or so then a year. We wanted a boy. Honestly we still do. But i love my daughter so much. some moms admit they have children they click better with then others, all mom do in my opinion some are able to be more honest about it. The one they are instantly closer with--this is not about loving one more-Tabytha is that child for me. I do not think a son would have that same bond for me. But maybe i am wrong about that and it created by everything that i went through to get here with that pregnancy. Who knows? God does of course.

So ow i felt about the sex can stay in the past, placenta previa at this point was not a big deal. Of course it went on to so define my pregnancy. How broke i felt and how the baby got here. Because honestly without that i would have gone with a midwife or another ob. Mine is wonderful in a lot of ways, but they do not vbac and that was something i was determined to. Now as a 2 time looser i have to tell myself that door is closed and padlocked. Because i am ready to do this baby thing again. But i am truly leaving it in God's hands this time. Ironically i am tracking my basal temp for the next 3 months, but that is for thyroid purposes, not fertility. i can appreciate the irony though.

4 days after my sonogram i learned that i had been led on in regards to v-bacing with my doc. It was somewhat accidental that i found out at that point i am sure. My first appt with the other doc in my group. Of course i walked out still believing that it could happen. Who am i kidding until the minute he started cutting i held out some vague hope that it could happen for me. But alas that was not to be. I have been reluctant to finish this post and i think delving into my feelings on this issue is why. It is a crazy i will most likely have to work actively to keep at bay now that i am ready for the next baby. It is taking a bit more work then i thought it would. But i need to keep looking forward. I know i would regret letting fear snatch another child from me more in 5 years then i would regret surgery number 3. So i need to keep looking to 5 years down the road and focusing on the big picture.

To help with that i am trying to keep focused and daily in the Word. I am also making a few decisions about next time. We will keep some mystery and not find out the sex until the baby is born. I am going to speak up and limit some of the screenings. i will still do the first 2 big screening at 12 and 18 weeks. even a few nst's, but 2 good in a row and i will look at stopping them, unless they actually make me feel better. Odd how they are stressful and reassuring all at the same time. But really probably something for me to worry about after i am pregnant. Boy i am stress monster. Healthy and happy is much more important then how they get here. I do love being a mom. Being a mom to a baby is especially touching. But like all things it is a season. A season i am enjoying to the fullest. If we get another, wonderful. How odd it will be to parent 2 children under 5 at the same time. I just hope i prove to be up to the challenge.

Released from Hopkins

Yeah and yippee.  That is the feeling that slowly took over.  It was not an instant cheerleading yeah in the office.  More something that crept in as we got in the road and fully hit as we set down to eat at the cheesecake factory.  Our first meal out at a restaurant in what felt like forever.  Assuming no utis we will need to get a kidney sonogram in 2 years.  The specialist said our doc might go with 1 year which is fine.  Woo-hoo.  

The day did not start with that giddy sense of joy.  In fact, i was super wound up.  I brought a scarf i am making for kevin with me to knit.  I knitted practically the entire drive and large amounts of time during testing.  That coping mechanism can still kick in when needed.  In fact i was so spun i almost wanted to insist that they sedate Tabytha.  Yep hello miss minimal medicator almost asked for drugs.  Kevin held the line and we were able to get shots obviously.  I just could not handle the thought of waiting and another trip.  Thankfully the staff if used to stressed out parents.  Ron the nurse was wonderful.  Very kind and caring.  

Of course that joy got dinged a bit by an acting out teen.  When you have multiple children the good news from one can turn instantly into a challenge from the other.  Something i am not super used to.  It feels someday like the whole parenting thing is completely new to me.  I wonder how that feel if we do it again and i have 2 children under 5 at the same time.  Oddly i am really looking forward to that change.  Like can't wait to do it.  If i make it to july without actively trying it will surprise me a bit.  I am ready to take the hold button off and get things moving along.  But i need to be smart about it and don't need another stressful pregnancy.  

i do know that it is not entirely avoidable, but well i can try to minimize with simple things like waiting at least a year.  At this point i can say i will not wait two to even start trying.

But for now i am enjoying the family God has given me so far.

hopkins round two and other random thoughts

Tomorrow we go to John's Hopkins for the dmsa. That is a scan to check for scarring in the kidneys. (I bet i could type better without a squirmy baby in my lap). Since the defect in Tabytha was present inutero we need to check to see if any scarring is present before deciding on a long term treatment plan. I have already decided a large part of it--namely bye-bye bactrum. Since she did not qualify for the study to see if the course of treatment for the last 40 years is effective i decided to discontinue the preventative antibiotic. If you are certain, i have misgivings not sure = nope. Because i know long term use is not good in terms of treating other infections for the rest of her life. i have concerns about other medical affects as well. I mean how do that they not know more on the issue and not even specific to just urinary reflux patients?? Kevin is even onboard with it. I am not sure what is behind this whole change in mindset to even question a doctor, but i like it.

Tomorrow's trip does have me quite nervous. Freaked about sedating my baby, but i know she would never be still for the test. I know some anxiety about that is fueled even further by concern about the results. I really need some good news here.

Otherwise the last 2 weeks have been fairly calm. Kevin has work again. A nice bit, but not all fully settled on. Enough for me to feel good that jan bills will be paid before they are too late and that Feb bills might even get done on time. YEAH!

And i am knitting. I just finished the knitting part of a hat for tabytha, just need to sew up the seems. Next up a scarf for Kevin. AJ has even requested a hat. A hat will require some help from an experienced knitter. The scarf with a knit 2 purl 2 pattern should be pretty easy, got a nice dark yarn from the yarn shop that i think will work really well for it. I have some beautiful, but fine grade yarn coming from etsy. Not sure what I will do with that, something fun i am sure. Of course i am now obsessed with it, or maybe just with looking at all of the beautiful yarn available. So the scarf will be done on circular needles. Woot I will try to start that today and plan on taking it with me to Hopkins tomorrow. Who knows where this will lead. That is an item checked off my list for the year. Sadly my dinning room is still a paper cluttered mess, albeit it one with a lot fewer papers then 40 days ago. That is progress right?

Our Journey to Johns Hopkins

Easy drive on both ends, one never knows with a drive that involves the bay bridge. The drive was the easy straight forward part of the drive. Easy park and even lightening quick into the exam room in my opinion. Much quicker then my regular peds office. But then that is not necessarily a bad thing, because my regular doc takes all the time every visit takes. This visit felt very much like ding time is up. Or maybe it does not take long to say we really have no clue,

Oh wait they do have one clue at least. This is a genetically linked disorder. So we have a 40% chance of passing this along to another child. 2 in 5 does not look so bad on paper or monitor as the case may be. Somehow that felt like strike two against doing it again when i first heard it. Strike one is of course a third surgery. just writing that makes me shudder for some reason. Tabytha has a 70% chance of passing it along to her children. Nice happy news and that is truly the only concrete thing that they knew. Oh wait they also know that 80 % of all cases resolve by age 5. some do still clear up after that just not at a significant enough rate to warrant mention-if my kid was the one that resolved naturally at age 7 i would call it very significant! But that is science for you.

Now to what they don't know. They are not sure of the long term effects of antibiotics. Um yeah whatever i know that it can't be good, especially since they don't even know for sure that it prevents the recurrent utis. So they have decided after almost 40 years of this standard treatment to check it out. Largely because moms like me are questioning the effects of long term use and the government is questioning the cost. I mean a 40 year old study from the uk is all they have to go on. Uh hello 40 year old study done by a socialized medicine country. wth? How did that hang on for so long. Way more studies proving vbac is the way to go, yet that is declared a big fat taboo. Medicine makes no sense to me. Maybe the government will question the cost of c-sections and give 2 time losers like me some hope.

They also don't know for sure that they surgery prevents utis. Great so what exactly do we do? I am leaning between two thoughts on this. Surgery is completely off my list unless further tests reveal any serious defects in the kidneys. So my first thought is sign on for the protocol and help have answers for the next generation. The second one is pull her off the antibiotics right now. So for the now at least i am going ahead with what i have been doing 1/2 tsp of bactrum everyday. This option seems to leave the most options right now.

The good news is we are level 2 of 5 and only on one side. According to the specialist pretty impossible to catch on pre-natal ultrasound. That is quite reassuring to me. So we need to back for another procedure referred to shorthand as a dmsa. It has me super freaked out, they need to sedate her. So they can have her lie very still and see how the contrast dye injected in an iv concentrates in her kidneys. Anywhere it does not go is assumed to be a damaged and scarred area. Big fun. The doctor will meet with us right after so we do not need to do another trip there. Well based on the schedule i have tentatively for the 28th it really means appt for test @ 9:15 am with at least an 8:45 am arrival time and an appt with the doc at 1:15 that afternoon. So i guess i will be kicking it all day at Hopkins. I guess we will be buying food out that day.

So i am waiting for that appointment to make my final decision on the antibiotic. I would love for other mothers to get better answers, but medicating for no good reason is so against my nature. For a condition that can affect up to 20% of the population how do we still know so little? Well the 20% is even a guess thanks to a study in Denmark where all children were given a vcug and the defect was noted in 20% of all babies. The actual number for girls is right around 4% of the population who get it discovered. So that means like 95% of people with present no symptoms. I wonder how this links to kidney disorders in adults? Or hypertension?

It is just all so murky and unsure. No matter what it looks like the doc will not do another vcug for 2 years. So somewhere between 2-5 years of just waiting around. UGGh not my mentality at all. It feels like aj all over again. But only a little worse because this time i know that something is wrong. But this does not seem to be on the same boogey man level that the options for aj were. I guess there is hope in that. Maybe she wont be so cruel with this one for me.