Life

Life is moving on. I am getting busy and consumed with other things and not blogging as much. Or maybe i need the free therapy less? That is what I called it to a friend. I am sure that situation will change. You know if we are blessed and do conceive again. Still not pregnant. This month i really wanted to cry. But I didn't. My husband it turned out was very disappointed that the day i was going to test it became obvious there was no need. That is in some odd way good news to me. And really trying is not such a bad thing in and of itself.

Part of the decreased writing is my shop. I have 2 or really even 3 now. Check out either http://corasflowers.bigcartel.com and http://corascorner.bigcartel.com. I am also on etsy. Sales are not what I need or even hoped for yet, but I am working with photographers and a couple other groups to get my name out. The crafting has a reward all its own beyond that as well. I find that I really like it. But that does take up a lot of nap time.

So Tabytha is growing and moving on. She is beginning to be a talking and walking toddler. The journey is fun. Somedays it is frustrating to put the living room back together for the fifth time. But even that i know is only a phase. This phase or season will last a little longer then some of the others have. And as soon as she ralizes she can walk I know the run is next.

I wanted to say a lot more, but doggies need to walk and time for me to get out of my robe.

More soon I promise including a post on my maternity session 1 year and 2 days ago

One Year Ago ---I went crazy.

Ok so maybe going crazy is not a far trip for me anyways. But i went bat guado crazy. Like really bad. On April 21, 2009 i scheduled my c-section. I had not really planned to schedule it that day, but doc gave me something and said so pick which day. So we picked Tuesday July 14, 2009. I had no idea how profoundly that would affect me. I knew i did not want another c-section- i never wanted my first. Circumstance dictated otherwise. I expected to be a little sad, not the complete crying fits with moments of complete retreat. My husband said that day he could look at me, but I was gone. How sadly right he was. I am still not back as i was, but some work and a healthy term baby went a long way to my becoming functional again.

That visit with the doc we also had to face facts that my placenta previa was real. The spotting that I experienced after visiting my parents the week before was the exclamation point on that. So it meant i was now fully on the broke reserve list. no sex, my husband forbid me at this point to clarify just how far we could go or how much fun I could have. Turns out that at that point i could have all the fun i wanted. No lifting anything over 20 pounds and one or two others, but I do not remember them quite so clearly. And honestly, most of them do not matter so much. The sense of being broke, disabled and less then is really the important part of those restrictions.

So i left a bit in shock somewhat blindsided by the restrictions and all. Sadly the shock wore off and i then burst out right into tears. I would stay that way until sometime after 9 Wednesday night when i noticed a pinching sensation deep up inside of me. Guess what that was contractions. It felt like a crab was pinching my cervix and my hoo-hoo felt a little beat on. So a call to the hospital and we went in. The monitor was showing weak, but regular contractions. Fear really got its nasty claws into me at this point. up until this point i think it was more fit and disappointment. The thought of my baby being born at 28 weeks well that is truly terrifying. 28 weeks is viable, but not so nice for long term quality of life. Thankfully the cause was discovered and treated. Well at least the physical medical one was. My state would take a while to become fully apparent to me and even longer to address and manage.

Boy was i grateful for the doc who showed up to see me and diagnose the issues. My previa made a physical exam, which is the gold standard to determine of the contractions were having an effect, impossible. So instead i got a trans vaginal probe. That means a fun little ultrasound wand is inserted into the vagina in an attempt to determine the length of the cervix and check if it is beginning to open. I was needless to say very glad this was done by the female doc in my group. The wand literally looks like a long skinny dildo. Had it been the male doc doing that to me while was i going completely ape, that might have made me want to die. Plus dr p seems so much more understanding about why and how i was flipping out. I was told by the other doc that i really did not go as far off the deep end as i think, but he did not see me at my worst. I mean really crying so hysterically at moments that you are afraid of drowning yourself in the shower is pretty bad.

WE have real concerns my husband and i about doing another pregnancy and having me take a return trip down mental break lane. But i do honestly believe that i will regret not doing another baby in 5 years more then i will regret yet another major surgery. Don't by the bs that a c-section is no big deal. It is. A c-section is still major abdominal surgery and you get cheated out of the first hour or more of your child's life, but better to loose an hour then the whole thing. And i refuse to let fear dictate another moment of my life. So much joy and anticipation was stolen from us with Tabytha's pregnancy and i refuse to let it steal anything else from me! So i will get prayed up and exercised up and what ever else up it takes to move forward, stand on faith and seize the family i want. And i find a doc willing to give a 2 time looser like me a chance, then i will need to step back from the ledge and make that decision then. Because i really want a healthy baby that i get to push out with my doctors delivered at the hospital near my house. But a healthy baby trumps every other wish and makes however the baby gets out worth it. And that i why despite what was best for me both of children were delivered by major surgery.

9 Months

I really can't believe that Tabytha is 9 months old. She turned yesterday, but today was the doc appointment. I feels a little more real after that. She has now been out as long as I carried her. Kinda feels odd. Time to grow another one i guess.

Baby girl is growing up. :(

but seeing her discover the world makes me :)

She is growing and seems so perfect in many ways. She weighed 19 pounds 12 ounces was 27 ad 1/4 inches long and her little head was 44 cm. What a nice healthy baby she is. I wish that she would sleep better at night. Last night she fell asleep in her own crib after much terrorizing of me. Maybe that can happen again tonight minus the terrorizing of me.

I have some pics of the last few day and will add them before posting. I did not get any today of her in her green dress before we had to go on to another outfit. But the shorts are cute and will add those at the bottom.

i feel so blessed that God chose to bless me with such a beautiful baby. She is already trying to walk and says momma already. She even said another male parent once already. But momma was definitely first! And yes i am petty enough for that to matter. I might have led to her being very spoiled already though. But really how spoiled can a baby be? She is very attached to me though. I often wonder if going so mental while pregnant with her caused some of that. In fact in just another 17 days it will be one year to the day when i thought she was trying to come early. That day will be recapped in depth when the time comes.

Still not officially knocked up yet. Sure hope that i can post something on that soon. I am meeting on the 20th with a vbac friendly doc. Don't know yet if she does 2 time loosers, but really what is $100 to know. I just hope it is not too many trips at $100 a pop. But the funny thing is i really want to go with my doctors. i know and trust them. WEll trust for a healthy baby. My first visit or annual, whichever comes first, i will clear the whole vbac secret air. Then maybe i will feel better with the whole thing.

Feeling The Crazy Creep Back

So is it normal to get a little spun when jumping on the ttc coaster? I think it just might. I strongly suspect it is best to just show up that way. And don't even get me started on what happens while pregnant.

But if you know me at all or even have read much of this blog you mine is a somewhat specific kind of crazy. the c-section crazy. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess the phrase a great study in 80's did not help. But honestly i need to own this crazy as all my own.  Hearing possible did not help, but let's be honest here i probably would be making these calls anyways.  Now i know a yes might be doable.  so far i am at 2 no's.  One group after the calls while pregnant last time i have no desire to call at all.  They are a big group and that does limit my nearer options.  A yes would not even necessarily guarantee a go with a new doc.  i need to clear a bit of air with mine.  They are excellent and my first choice to go with again.  Hmm maybe i'll try to hang with it and stick out till 9 cm's dialated??  Yeah right Kevin will so forcibly drag me in before that happens.  

As i was sharing today in bible study it is sad how quickly they come back.  Really guard which doors you open.  Because this is one door i wish i could shut.  but i am not even sure exactly why it was opened/created.  i know some and really wish i could spare others this torment.  But i also know that as other stressors pop in my life this one roars back.  Sometimes like a familar little safety valve and others as a way to cripple me.  My refusal to lay down this time and let fear steal the precious from me i am sure is strongly linked to why it popped back.  and i need to remind myself that it is only a moment, don't get me wrong major surgery then being sent home with a tiny human to care for sucks.  But it does not make me less.  So often we are mislead into believeing that things make us less.  And that is often not true at all.  So this lie i am trying to banish from my thought closet.  I will instead focus on the fact that i like being a mom and do a pretty decent job of it.  

And i will dwell strongly on Philippians 4:13 "I can do all thing through him who strengthens me."  and also know that God will take evil and make good from it.  Maybe the real test this time is to truly begin to forgive myself for past bad choices.  Because then maybe it really won't matter or hurt so much.  

Back on the TTC Coaster

So time to go for it and throw caution to the wind. Ok so after finally cycling in december and then being 10 days late the following month we decided why not? Honestly i need to be done. I really can't hit pause and just hang out on this issue for another 18 months. This decision needs to be about our family and what is right for mommy's head. The sad thing is how quickly the v-bac/c-section crazy came back. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess not. Thursday night i had a pretty descriptive dream of giving birth. Wishful thinking i am sure. It would still be nice though. I have a few places i am going to check though. It can't hurt,,,right?

Maybe it can. My husband is willing to cautiously precede with trying. He all but threatened to lock me up if i even suggested a home birth. So that is one crazy thought to keep to myself. honestly, not something i would even be comfortable with. Insurance requires me to stay in md and overall i am happy with my doc, just wished the did v-bac. My plan for now is to stay close to home. might as well be hospitalized 15 mins from home as anywhere else. And the nursing care really was/is top notch there. But a few calls to see if anyone will even give a 2 time looser like me a shot might be in order as well.

Of course a sane person would worry about that after getting pregnant. Maybe that distracts me from worrying about getting pregnant. I was 5 days later again this month. Today had i not started i was planning on testing. Eh well that saved me $15 at least. It would be nice to sail right into it again. But if it takes a longtime again, it takes a longtime again. Maybe though to start closer to ontime might be nice though. It was like just as you begin to think maybe?? Is it? The no comes somewhat loud and clear. Who knows by the end of the year i might decided that it is over. i tried hard not too pin so much hope on it this month, but i realized that i had.

Do they have a 12 step plan for going crazy about how to get pregnant and how they get out???

2 Nights in a Row

Yeah yes through the night in her own crib 2 nights in a row. It is the best birthday gift for me. One year ago i found out we were expecting a precious baby girl. I have started another post on that issue and will develop my thoughts specific to that later in that post. This one is happy and full of celebration. In some ways the gap i have is very fun. My oldest daughter made me a cake today and it was very fun to wake and cuddle a baby. The morning are sooo much easier at least for me when she sleeps a 5 hour block and even better if it is in her crib. She never sleeps that well in my bed. I wonder if she smells the milk and at every little move wakes to get it because of proximity? Really something to wonder.

But really it is such a treat to have a baby for whom i am so it. Maybe i am a lot more narcissistic then i want to admit. My angel just woke from her nap much happier then she did first thing this morning. I feel so bad for Kevin when she gets like that, but at the same time it feels so good. Also i know it must pain my 14 year old to see so much go into the baby, but i tray as best i can to balance. Or maybe it is just how very little i am allowed.

As much as so much of what i went through during the pregnancy was so traumatic for me; it was also good because now i am here present and so much more aware. Being fake horomone free helps a lot i am sure. I know i can not go back in time and change things and the best i can do is be better now. It still pains sometimes to see the gulf. How much of that is just the age though? Really with both girls. My beautiful cuddly baby will come to need me less and less with almost every passing day. But today i am basking in my family and what they need from me now.

This week as i was late and we thought maybe a decision was made. We are ready to start trying, so we will. Who knows how long that will take. However long it does is fine with us. How fun it will be to raise children together. I am looking forward to the next year and the changes and challenges it will bring.

Level 2 Sonogram One Year Ago

Son one year ago was my level 2 sonogram. The test was scheduled on my 38th birthday. I have decided never again for tests on my birthday if it can be avoided. It is something that makes it all a little cloudy. I did not get so much of a negative result or anything, just the first mention of placenta previa. It was also the day we found out the baby was a girl. The first time we realized that we would need to come up with a girl name.

ok try number 3 for this post. Whatever i get before getting pulled away is what i am posting. it is needless to say close to 2 weeks after the date, but ehh at least it is getting done.

Wow the feelings and thoughts of one year ago on this issue seem so far away, more like a decade or so then a year. We wanted a boy. Honestly we still do. But i love my daughter so much. some moms admit they have children they click better with then others, all mom do in my opinion some are able to be more honest about it. The one they are instantly closer with--this is not about loving one more-Tabytha is that child for me. I do not think a son would have that same bond for me. But maybe i am wrong about that and it created by everything that i went through to get here with that pregnancy. Who knows? God does of course.

So ow i felt about the sex can stay in the past, placenta previa at this point was not a big deal. Of course it went on to so define my pregnancy. How broke i felt and how the baby got here. Because honestly without that i would have gone with a midwife or another ob. Mine is wonderful in a lot of ways, but they do not vbac and that was something i was determined to. Now as a 2 time looser i have to tell myself that door is closed and padlocked. Because i am ready to do this baby thing again. But i am truly leaving it in God's hands this time. Ironically i am tracking my basal temp for the next 3 months, but that is for thyroid purposes, not fertility. i can appreciate the irony though.

4 days after my sonogram i learned that i had been led on in regards to v-bacing with my doc. It was somewhat accidental that i found out at that point i am sure. My first appt with the other doc in my group. Of course i walked out still believing that it could happen. Who am i kidding until the minute he started cutting i held out some vague hope that it could happen for me. But alas that was not to be. I have been reluctant to finish this post and i think delving into my feelings on this issue is why. It is a crazy i will most likely have to work actively to keep at bay now that i am ready for the next baby. It is taking a bit more work then i thought it would. But i need to keep looking forward. I know i would regret letting fear snatch another child from me more in 5 years then i would regret surgery number 3. So i need to keep looking to 5 years down the road and focusing on the big picture.

To help with that i am trying to keep focused and daily in the Word. I am also making a few decisions about next time. We will keep some mystery and not find out the sex until the baby is born. I am going to speak up and limit some of the screenings. i will still do the first 2 big screening at 12 and 18 weeks. even a few nst's, but 2 good in a row and i will look at stopping them, unless they actually make me feel better. Odd how they are stressful and reassuring all at the same time. But really probably something for me to worry about after i am pregnant. Boy i am stress monster. Healthy and happy is much more important then how they get here. I do love being a mom. Being a mom to a baby is especially touching. But like all things it is a season. A season i am enjoying to the fullest. If we get another, wonderful. How odd it will be to parent 2 children under 5 at the same time. I just hope i prove to be up to the challenge.