Saturday, February 13, 2010

2 Nights in a Row

Yeah yes through the night in her own crib 2 nights in a row. It is the best birthday gift for me. One year ago i found out we were expecting a precious baby girl. I have started another post on that issue and will develop my thoughts specific to that later in that post. This one is happy and full of celebration. In some ways the gap i have is very fun. My oldest daughter made me a cake today and it was very fun to wake and cuddle a baby. The morning are sooo much easier at least for me when she sleeps a 5 hour block and even better if it is in her crib. She never sleeps that well in my bed. I wonder if she smells the milk and at every little move wakes to get it because of proximity? Really something to wonder.

But really it is such a treat to have a baby for whom i am so it. Maybe i am a lot more narcissistic then i want to admit. My angel just woke from her nap much happier then she did first thing this morning. I feel so bad for Kevin when she gets like that, but at the same time it feels so good. Also i know it must pain my 14 year old to see so much go into the baby, but i tray as best i can to balance. Or maybe it is just how very little i am allowed.

As much as so much of what i went through during the pregnancy was so traumatic for me; it was also good because now i am here present and so much more aware. Being fake horomone free helps a lot i am sure. I know i can not go back in time and change things and the best i can do is be better now. It still pains sometimes to see the gulf. How much of that is just the age though? Really with both girls. My beautiful cuddly baby will come to need me less and less with almost every passing day. But today i am basking in my family and what they need from me now.

This week as i was late and we thought maybe a decision was made. We are ready to start trying, so we will. Who knows how long that will take. However long it does is fine with us. How fun it will be to raise children together. I am looking forward to the next year and the changes and challenges it will bring.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Level 2 Sonogram One Year Ago

Son one year ago was my level 2 sonogram. The test was scheduled on my 38th birthday. I have decided never again for tests on my birthday if it can be avoided. It is something that makes it all a little cloudy. I did not get so much of a negative result or anything, just the first mention of placenta previa. It was also the day we found out the baby was a girl. The first time we realized that we would need to come up with a girl name.
ok try number 3 for this post. Whatever i get before getting pulled away is what i am posting. it is needless to say close to 2 weeks after the date, but ehh at least it is getting done.

Wow the feelings and thoughts of one year ago on this issue seem so far away, more like a decade or so then a year. We wanted a boy. Honestly we still do. But i love my daughter so much. some moms admit they have children they click better with then others, all mom do in my opinion some are able to be more honest about it. The one they are instantly closer with--this is not about loving one more-Tabytha is that child for me. I do not think a son would have that same bond for me. But maybe i am wrong about that and it created by everything that i went through to get here with that pregnancy. Who knows? God does of course.

So ow i felt about the sex can stay in the past, placenta previa at this point was not a big deal. Of course it went on to so define my pregnancy. How broke i felt and how the baby got here. Because honestly without that i would have gone with a midwife or another ob. Mine is wonderful in a lot of ways, but they do not vbac and that was something i was determined to. Now as a 2 time looser i have to tell myself that door is closed and padlocked. Because i am ready to do this baby thing again. But i am truly leaving it in God's hands this time. Ironically i am tracking my basal temp for the next 3 months, but that is for thyroid purposes, not fertility. i can appreciate the irony though.

4 days after my sonogram i learned that i had been led on in regards to v-bacing with my doc. It was somewhat accidental that i found out at that point i am sure. My first appt with the other doc in my group. Of course i walked out still believing that it could happen. Who am i kidding until the minute he started cutting i held out some vague hope that it could happen for me. But alas that was not to be. I have been reluctant to finish this post and i think delving into my feelings on this issue is why. It is a crazy i will most likely have to work actively to keep at bay now that i am ready for the next baby. It is taking a bit more work then i thought it would. But i need to keep looking forward. I know i would regret letting fear snatch another child from me more in 5 years then i would regret surgery number 3. So i need to keep looking to 5 years down the road and focusing on the big picture.

To help with that i am trying to keep focused and daily in the Word. I am also making a few decisions about next time. We will keep some mystery and not find out the sex until the baby is born. I am going to speak up and limit some of the screenings. i will still do the first 2 big screening at 12 and 18 weeks. even a few nst's, but 2 good in a row and i will look at stopping them, unless they actually make me feel better. Odd how they are stressful and reassuring all at the same time. But really probably something for me to worry about after i am pregnant. Boy i am stress monster. Healthy and happy is much more important then how they get here. I do love being a mom. Being a mom to a baby is especially touching. But like all things it is a season. A season i am enjoying to the fullest. If we get another, wonderful. How odd it will be to parent 2 children under 5 at the same time. I just hope i prove to be up to the challenge.