Saturday, November 20, 2010


That was the message i kept getting on all fronts yesterday. NOt something that I do well. I do not remember praying for patience. I guess God decided that the time was now for me to get that one. Seriously every front had extra hoops and wait type of answer. Yippy skippy.
Both the new re worked dream, the baby one and even the end answer to the baby one. So i guess i have no choice but to wait. Well starting in January i can take some small steps for a few ones. Oh even the job one had a semi-wait. I heard that the position i applied for is in no rush and might be waiting till the first of the year. Really??

It does make me wonder what big even is coming for the next 6 weeks that requires me to have time available? I am trying to assume good and not bad. But too many blindsides for the bad not to pop up first. Hmm maybe the message really is that trust word. Bleech. When i find out who has been praying for me to get that patience thing the game is on.

But with a little mind adjustment i am looking forward to fake thanksgiving at a friend's house. The 2 plus hour drive each way not so much. Who know maybe the day with all of the loud boys of various ages will send me running home screaming please God no baby boys. Somehow I doubt it though. I am sure much fun will be had by all. An afternoon with toddler boys will be great forTabytha.

Friday, November 19, 2010

Dream Deferred or Cancelled?

How does one decide to give up a dream? How do you know when it is time? Is it when it starts to hurt too much to hope? When instead of enjoying what you have you only focus on what is missing? Even though many would say i have more then enough.

Or does it take something else to focus on?

The dream of a baby seems to be oh so painfully slipping away. Painful in part because i still ache for another one so bad. After last months tears and this months anger which seems to have spilled over into every relationship that is close, it might just be time. How do I give it up without locking myself into some anger or fear box. Can i just step back and say what is meant to be will be? Is this payback for earlier squandered chances?

I did apply for a job this week. Not sure how that will go and no word almost 48 hours later has me feeling a bit down. It felt weird, because this is the first time in almost 8 years i have applied for a job. I had other ones in the meantime, i just have not been an off the street applicant so to speak. I was shaking while finishing my cover letter which later I learned contained a typo. Yay another thing to beat myself up over this week. I really think that I need to be writing more.

But at least i have another new direction to focus on as well. Something else that has my kneed knocking and me sweating over. But having an end goal does help. Ironically it is an old dream re found and reworked. Funny how that works.

Maybe the answer is to read my last post and focus on the last word, the T word which seems to be quite hard for me right now. But no hiding under the covers or mindless games for me today.

Saturday, September 11, 2010

Grow Love Trust

A new little motto/mantra for me. I have returned to journaling. Well at least for one day. I need to say with it. I noticed that i was numbing and becoming quite down over the last week. That is probably fitting considering what is going on. A lot of which i do not feel is right to share here. Yes funny when you look at some of the things i have shared, but they were about me. Some of the things involve others and i am not ready to share the impact on me yet fully. Partly because i am still figuring out what they do mean and how much they do affect me.

So why these words? I think they fit best with the path or journey that i am on. Love is the most pure thing. 1 Corinthians gives a beautiful illustration of it. And it is something that I am pushing someone else to choose, so I better be doing the same myself! So i need to look at my feelings, actions and reactions through this filter first. And sometimes loving myself to put an end to any pain or hurt does fit this model-at least for me and where I am now.

Grow- We have 2 choices grow or die. I pick grow. It seems to fit best and I am not ready to die. I have 2 beautiful children who i made commitment to when i wanted them. And yes inside and the hope that should rule all of us does count. Again at least to me. I want to teach my girls to reach for the stars. To choose the best and to give that back to the world.

Trust-- as a christian this should be the easiest to claim, but for me I find it the hardest. To surrender, sit back and let God. Let's just say this is not my first impulse. But this is big enough and important enough that no one else is worthy of working on it. So it i mean and truly believe what I claim then i need to sit back and trust God to do what is best. It still does not take away the sting of a no. Getting that answer as a final might just break my heart- lucky for me i know someone with specializes in fixing those.

So instead of eat pray love go out and love, grow and trust.

Monday, May 17, 2010


Life is moving on. I am getting busy and consumed with other things and not blogging as much. Or maybe i need the free therapy less? That is what I called it to a friend. I am sure that situation will change. You know if we are blessed and do conceive again. Still not pregnant. This month i really wanted to cry. But I didn't. My husband it turned out was very disappointed that the day i was going to test it became obvious there was no need. That is in some odd way good news to me. And really trying is not such a bad thing in and of itself.

Part of the decreased writing is my shop. I have 2 or really even 3 now. Check out either and I am also on etsy. Sales are not what I need or even hoped for yet, but I am working with photographers and a couple other groups to get my name out. The crafting has a reward all its own beyond that as well. I find that I really like it. But that does take up a lot of nap time.

So Tabytha is growing and moving on. She is beginning to be a talking and walking toddler. The journey is fun. Somedays it is frustrating to put the living room back together for the fifth time. But even that i know is only a phase. This phase or season will last a little longer then some of the others have. And as soon as she ralizes she can walk I know the run is next.

I wanted to say a lot more, but doggies need to walk and time for me to get out of my robe.

More soon I promise including a post on my maternity session 1 year and 2 days ago

Thursday, April 22, 2010

One Year Ago ---I went crazy.

Ok so maybe going crazy is not a far trip for me anyways. But i went bat guado crazy. Like really bad. On April 21, 2009 i scheduled my c-section. I had not really planned to schedule it that day, but doc gave me something and said so pick which day. So we picked Tuesday July 14, 2009. I had no idea how profoundly that would affect me. I knew i did not want another c-section- i never wanted my first. Circumstance dictated otherwise. I expected to be a little sad, not the complete crying fits with moments of complete retreat. My husband said that day he could look at me, but I was gone. How sadly right he was. I am still not back as i was, but some work and a healthy term baby went a long way to my becoming functional again.

That visit with the doc we also had to face facts that my placenta previa was real. The spotting that I experienced after visiting my parents the week before was the exclamation point on that. So it meant i was now fully on the broke reserve list. no sex, my husband forbid me at this point to clarify just how far we could go or how much fun I could have. Turns out that at that point i could have all the fun i wanted. No lifting anything over 20 pounds and one or two others, but I do not remember them quite so clearly. And honestly, most of them do not matter so much. The sense of being broke, disabled and less then is really the important part of those restrictions.

So i left a bit in shock somewhat blindsided by the restrictions and all. Sadly the shock wore off and i then burst out right into tears. I would stay that way until sometime after 9 Wednesday night when i noticed a pinching sensation deep up inside of me. Guess what that was contractions. It felt like a crab was pinching my cervix and my hoo-hoo felt a little beat on. So a call to the hospital and we went in. The monitor was showing weak, but regular contractions. Fear really got its nasty claws into me at this point. up until this point i think it was more fit and disappointment. The thought of my baby being born at 28 weeks well that is truly terrifying. 28 weeks is viable, but not so nice for long term quality of life. Thankfully the cause was discovered and treated. Well at least the physical medical one was. My state would take a while to become fully apparent to me and even longer to address and manage.

Boy was i grateful for the doc who showed up to see me and diagnose the issues. My previa made a physical exam, which is the gold standard to determine of the contractions were having an effect, impossible. So instead i got a trans vaginal probe. That means a fun little ultrasound wand is inserted into the vagina in an attempt to determine the length of the cervix and check if it is beginning to open. I was needless to say very glad this was done by the female doc in my group. The wand literally looks like a long skinny dildo. Had it been the male doc doing that to me while was i going completely ape, that might have made me want to die. Plus dr p seems so much more understanding about why and how i was flipping out. I was told by the other doc that i really did not go as far off the deep end as i think, but he did not see me at my worst. I mean really crying so hysterically at moments that you are afraid of drowning yourself in the shower is pretty bad.

WE have real concerns my husband and i about doing another pregnancy and having me take a return trip down mental break lane. But i do honestly believe that i will regret not doing another baby in 5 years more then i will regret yet another major surgery. Don't by the bs that a c-section is no big deal. It is. A c-section is still major abdominal surgery and you get cheated out of the first hour or more of your child's life, but better to loose an hour then the whole thing. And i refuse to let fear dictate another moment of my life. So much joy and anticipation was stolen from us with Tabytha's pregnancy and i refuse to let it steal anything else from me! So i will get prayed up and exercised up and what ever else up it takes to move forward, stand on faith and seize the family i want. And i find a doc willing to give a 2 time looser like me a chance, then i will need to step back from the ledge and make that decision then. Because i really want a healthy baby that i get to push out with my doctors delivered at the hospital near my house. But a healthy baby trumps every other wish and makes however the baby gets out worth it. And that i why despite what was best for me both of children were delivered by major surgery.

Tuesday, April 6, 2010

9 Months

I really can't believe that Tabytha is 9 months old. She turned yesterday, but today was the doc appointment. I feels a little more real after that. She has now been out as long as I carried her. Kinda feels odd. Time to grow another one i guess.
Baby girl is growing up. :(
but seeing her discover the world makes me :)
She is growing and seems so perfect in many ways. She weighed 19 pounds 12 ounces was 27 ad 1/4 inches long and her little head was 44 cm. What a nice healthy baby she is. I wish that she would sleep better at night. Last night she fell asleep in her own crib after much terrorizing of me. Maybe that can happen again tonight minus the terrorizing of me.
I have some pics of the last few day and will add them before posting. I did not get any today of her in her green dress before we had to go on to another outfit. But the shorts are cute and will add those at the bottom.
i feel so blessed that God chose to bless me with such a beautiful baby. She is already trying to walk and says momma already. She even said another male parent once already. But momma was definitely first! And yes i am petty enough for that to matter. I might have led to her being very spoiled already though. But really how spoiled can a baby be? She is very attached to me though. I often wonder if going so mental while pregnant with her caused some of that. In fact in just another 17 days it will be one year to the day when i thought she was trying to come early. That day will be recapped in depth when the time comes.

Still not officially knocked up yet. Sure hope that i can post something on that soon. I am meeting on the 20th with a vbac friendly doc. Don't know yet if she does 2 time loosers, but really what is $100 to know. I just hope it is not too many trips at $100 a pop. But the funny thing is i really want to go with my doctors. i know and trust them. WEll trust for a healthy baby. My first visit or annual, whichever comes first, i will clear the whole vbac secret air. Then maybe i will feel better with the whole thing.

Monday, March 22, 2010

Feeling The Crazy Creep Back

So is it normal to get a little spun when jumping on the ttc coaster? I think it just might. I strongly suspect it is best to just show up that way. And don't even get me started on what happens while pregnant.

But if you know me at all or even have read much of this blog you mine is a somewhat specific kind of crazy. the c-section crazy. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess the phrase a great study in 80's did not help. But honestly i need to own this crazy as all my own.  Hearing possible did not help, but let's be honest here i probably would be making these calls anyways.  Now i know a yes might be doable.  so far i am at 2 no's.  One group after the calls while pregnant last time i have no desire to call at all.  They are a big group and that does limit my nearer options.  A yes would not even necessarily guarantee a go with a new doc.  i need to clear a bit of air with mine.  They are excellent and my first choice to go with again.  Hmm maybe i'll try to hang with it and stick out till 9 cm's dialated??  Yeah right Kevin will so forcibly drag me in before that happens.  

As i was sharing today in bible study it is sad how quickly they come back.  Really guard which doors you open.  Because this is one door i wish i could shut.  but i am not even sure exactly why it was opened/created.  i know some and really wish i could spare others this torment.  But i also know that as other stressors pop in my life this one roars back.  Sometimes like a familar little safety valve and others as a way to cripple me.  My refusal to lay down this time and let fear steal the precious from me i am sure is strongly linked to why it popped back.  and i need to remind myself that it is only a moment, don't get me wrong major surgery then being sent home with a tiny human to care for sucks.  But it does not make me less.  So often we are mislead into believeing that things make us less.  And that is often not true at all.  So this lie i am trying to banish from my thought closet.  I will instead focus on the fact that i like being a mom and do a pretty decent job of it.  

And i will dwell strongly on Philippians 4:13 "I can do all thing through him who strengthens me."  and also know that God will take evil and make good from it.  Maybe the real test this time is to truly begin to forgive myself for past bad choices.  Because then maybe it really won't matter or hurt so much.  

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Back on the TTC Coaster

So time to go for it and throw caution to the wind. Ok so after finally cycling in december and then being 10 days late the following month we decided why not? Honestly i need to be done. I really can't hit pause and just hang out on this issue for another 18 months. This decision needs to be about our family and what is right for mommy's head. The sad thing is how quickly the v-bac/c-section crazy came back. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess not. Thursday night i had a pretty descriptive dream of giving birth. Wishful thinking i am sure. It would still be nice though. I have a few places i am going to check though. It can't hurt,,,right?

Maybe it can. My husband is willing to cautiously precede with trying. He all but threatened to lock me up if i even suggested a home birth. So that is one crazy thought to keep to myself. honestly, not something i would even be comfortable with. Insurance requires me to stay in md and overall i am happy with my doc, just wished the did v-bac. My plan for now is to stay close to home. might as well be hospitalized 15 mins from home as anywhere else. And the nursing care really was/is top notch there. But a few calls to see if anyone will even give a 2 time looser like me a shot might be in order as well.

Of course a sane person would worry about that after getting pregnant. Maybe that distracts me from worrying about getting pregnant. I was 5 days later again this month. Today had i not started i was planning on testing. Eh well that saved me $15 at least. It would be nice to sail right into it again. But if it takes a longtime again, it takes a longtime again. Maybe though to start closer to ontime might be nice though. It was like just as you begin to think maybe?? Is it? The no comes somewhat loud and clear. Who knows by the end of the year i might decided that it is over. i tried hard not too pin so much hope on it this month, but i realized that i had.
Do they have a 12 step plan for going crazy about how to get pregnant and how they get out???

Saturday, February 13, 2010

2 Nights in a Row

Yeah yes through the night in her own crib 2 nights in a row. It is the best birthday gift for me. One year ago i found out we were expecting a precious baby girl. I have started another post on that issue and will develop my thoughts specific to that later in that post. This one is happy and full of celebration. In some ways the gap i have is very fun. My oldest daughter made me a cake today and it was very fun to wake and cuddle a baby. The morning are sooo much easier at least for me when she sleeps a 5 hour block and even better if it is in her crib. She never sleeps that well in my bed. I wonder if she smells the milk and at every little move wakes to get it because of proximity? Really something to wonder.

But really it is such a treat to have a baby for whom i am so it. Maybe i am a lot more narcissistic then i want to admit. My angel just woke from her nap much happier then she did first thing this morning. I feel so bad for Kevin when she gets like that, but at the same time it feels so good. Also i know it must pain my 14 year old to see so much go into the baby, but i tray as best i can to balance. Or maybe it is just how very little i am allowed.

As much as so much of what i went through during the pregnancy was so traumatic for me; it was also good because now i am here present and so much more aware. Being fake horomone free helps a lot i am sure. I know i can not go back in time and change things and the best i can do is be better now. It still pains sometimes to see the gulf. How much of that is just the age though? Really with both girls. My beautiful cuddly baby will come to need me less and less with almost every passing day. But today i am basking in my family and what they need from me now.

This week as i was late and we thought maybe a decision was made. We are ready to start trying, so we will. Who knows how long that will take. However long it does is fine with us. How fun it will be to raise children together. I am looking forward to the next year and the changes and challenges it will bring.

Friday, February 12, 2010

Level 2 Sonogram One Year Ago

Son one year ago was my level 2 sonogram. The test was scheduled on my 38th birthday. I have decided never again for tests on my birthday if it can be avoided. It is something that makes it all a little cloudy. I did not get so much of a negative result or anything, just the first mention of placenta previa. It was also the day we found out the baby was a girl. The first time we realized that we would need to come up with a girl name.
ok try number 3 for this post. Whatever i get before getting pulled away is what i am posting. it is needless to say close to 2 weeks after the date, but ehh at least it is getting done.

Wow the feelings and thoughts of one year ago on this issue seem so far away, more like a decade or so then a year. We wanted a boy. Honestly we still do. But i love my daughter so much. some moms admit they have children they click better with then others, all mom do in my opinion some are able to be more honest about it. The one they are instantly closer with--this is not about loving one more-Tabytha is that child for me. I do not think a son would have that same bond for me. But maybe i am wrong about that and it created by everything that i went through to get here with that pregnancy. Who knows? God does of course.

So ow i felt about the sex can stay in the past, placenta previa at this point was not a big deal. Of course it went on to so define my pregnancy. How broke i felt and how the baby got here. Because honestly without that i would have gone with a midwife or another ob. Mine is wonderful in a lot of ways, but they do not vbac and that was something i was determined to. Now as a 2 time looser i have to tell myself that door is closed and padlocked. Because i am ready to do this baby thing again. But i am truly leaving it in God's hands this time. Ironically i am tracking my basal temp for the next 3 months, but that is for thyroid purposes, not fertility. i can appreciate the irony though.

4 days after my sonogram i learned that i had been led on in regards to v-bacing with my doc. It was somewhat accidental that i found out at that point i am sure. My first appt with the other doc in my group. Of course i walked out still believing that it could happen. Who am i kidding until the minute he started cutting i held out some vague hope that it could happen for me. But alas that was not to be. I have been reluctant to finish this post and i think delving into my feelings on this issue is why. It is a crazy i will most likely have to work actively to keep at bay now that i am ready for the next baby. It is taking a bit more work then i thought it would. But i need to keep looking forward. I know i would regret letting fear snatch another child from me more in 5 years then i would regret surgery number 3. So i need to keep looking to 5 years down the road and focusing on the big picture.

To help with that i am trying to keep focused and daily in the Word. I am also making a few decisions about next time. We will keep some mystery and not find out the sex until the baby is born. I am going to speak up and limit some of the screenings. i will still do the first 2 big screening at 12 and 18 weeks. even a few nst's, but 2 good in a row and i will look at stopping them, unless they actually make me feel better. Odd how they are stressful and reassuring all at the same time. But really probably something for me to worry about after i am pregnant. Boy i am stress monster. Healthy and happy is much more important then how they get here. I do love being a mom. Being a mom to a baby is especially touching. But like all things it is a season. A season i am enjoying to the fullest. If we get another, wonderful. How odd it will be to parent 2 children under 5 at the same time. I just hope i prove to be up to the challenge.

Saturday, January 30, 2010

Released from Hopkins

Yeah and yippee.  That is the feeling that slowly took over.  It was not an instant cheerleading yeah in the office.  More something that crept in as we got in the road and fully hit as we set down to eat at the cheesecake factory.  Our first meal out at a restaurant in what felt like forever.  Assuming no utis we will need to get a kidney sonogram in 2 years.  The specialist said our doc might go with 1 year which is fine.  Woo-hoo.  

The day did not start with that giddy sense of joy.  In fact, i was super wound up.  I brought a scarf i am making for kevin with me to knit.  I knitted practically the entire drive and large amounts of time during testing.  That coping mechanism can still kick in when needed.  In fact i was so spun i almost wanted to insist that they sedate Tabytha.  Yep hello miss minimal medicator almost asked for drugs.  Kevin held the line and we were able to get shots obviously.  I just could not handle the thought of waiting and another trip.  Thankfully the staff if used to stressed out parents.  Ron the nurse was wonderful.  Very kind and caring.  

Of course that joy got dinged a bit by an acting out teen.  When you have multiple children the good news from one can turn instantly into a challenge from the other.  Something i am not super used to.  It feels someday like the whole parenting thing is completely new to me.  I wonder how that feel if we do it again and i have 2 children under 5 at the same time.  Oddly i am really looking forward to that change.  Like can't wait to do it.  If i make it to july without actively trying it will surprise me a bit.  I am ready to take the hold button off and get things moving along.  But i need to be smart about it and don't need another stressful pregnancy.  
i do know that it is not entirely avoidable, but well i can try to minimize with simple things like waiting at least a year.  At this point i can say i will not wait two to even start trying.

But for now i am enjoying the family God has given me so far.

Wednesday, January 27, 2010

hopkins round two and other random thoughts

Tomorrow we go to John's Hopkins for the dmsa. That is a scan to check for scarring in the kidneys. (I bet i could type better without a squirmy baby in my lap). Since the defect in Tabytha was present inutero we need to check to see if any scarring is present before deciding on a long term treatment plan. I have already decided a large part of it--namely bye-bye bactrum. Since she did not qualify for the study to see if the course of treatment for the last 40 years is effective i decided to discontinue the preventative antibiotic. If you are certain, i have misgivings not sure = nope. Because i know long term use is not good in terms of treating other infections for the rest of her life. i have concerns about other medical affects as well. I mean how do that they not know more on the issue and not even specific to just urinary reflux patients?? Kevin is even onboard with it. I am not sure what is behind this whole change in mindset to even question a doctor, but i like it.

Tomorrow's trip does have me quite nervous. Freaked about sedating my baby, but i know she would never be still for the test. I know some anxiety about that is fueled even further by concern about the results. I really need some good news here.

Otherwise the last 2 weeks have been fairly calm. Kevin has work again. A nice bit, but not all fully settled on. Enough for me to feel good that jan bills will be paid before they are too late and that Feb bills might even get done on time. YEAH!

And i am knitting. I just finished the knitting part of a hat for tabytha, just need to sew up the seems. Next up a scarf for Kevin. AJ has even requested a hat. A hat will require some help from an experienced knitter. The scarf with a knit 2 purl 2 pattern should be pretty easy, got a nice dark yarn from the yarn shop that i think will work really well for it. I have some beautiful, but fine grade yarn coming from etsy. Not sure what I will do with that, something fun i am sure. Of course i am now obsessed with it, or maybe just with looking at all of the beautiful yarn available. So the scarf will be done on circular needles. Woot I will try to start that today and plan on taking it with me to Hopkins tomorrow. Who knows where this will lead. That is an item checked off my list for the year. Sadly my dinning room is still a paper cluttered mess, albeit it one with a lot fewer papers then 40 days ago. That is progress right?

Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Our Journey to Johns Hopkins

Easy drive on both ends, one never knows with a drive that involves the bay bridge. The drive was the easy straight forward part of the drive. Easy park and even lightening quick into the exam room in my opinion. Much quicker then my regular peds office. But then that is not necessarily a bad thing, because my regular doc takes all the time every visit takes. This visit felt very much like ding time is up. Or maybe it does not take long to say we really have no clue,

Oh wait they do have one clue at least. This is a genetically linked disorder. So we have a 40% chance of passing this along to another child. 2 in 5 does not look so bad on paper or monitor as the case may be. Somehow that felt like strike two against doing it again when i first heard it. Strike one is of course a third surgery. just writing that makes me shudder for some reason. Tabytha has a 70% chance of passing it along to her children. Nice happy news and that is truly the only concrete thing that they knew. Oh wait they also know that 80 % of all cases resolve by age 5. some do still clear up after that just not at a significant enough rate to warrant mention-if my kid was the one that resolved naturally at age 7 i would call it very significant! But that is science for you.

Now to what they don't know. They are not sure of the long term effects of antibiotics. Um yeah whatever i know that it can't be good, especially since they don't even know for sure that it prevents the recurrent utis. So they have decided after almost 40 years of this standard treatment to check it out. Largely because moms like me are questioning the effects of long term use and the government is questioning the cost. I mean a 40 year old study from the uk is all they have to go on. Uh hello 40 year old study done by a socialized medicine country. wth? How did that hang on for so long. Way more studies proving vbac is the way to go, yet that is declared a big fat taboo. Medicine makes no sense to me. Maybe the government will question the cost of c-sections and give 2 time losers like me some hope.

They also don't know for sure that they surgery prevents utis. Great so what exactly do we do? I am leaning between two thoughts on this. Surgery is completely off my list unless further tests reveal any serious defects in the kidneys. So my first thought is sign on for the protocol and help have answers for the next generation. The second one is pull her off the antibiotics right now. So for the now at least i am going ahead with what i have been doing 1/2 tsp of bactrum everyday. This option seems to leave the most options right now.

The good news is we are level 2 of 5 and only on one side. According to the specialist pretty impossible to catch on pre-natal ultrasound. That is quite reassuring to me. So we need to back for another procedure referred to shorthand as a dmsa. It has me super freaked out, they need to sedate her. So they can have her lie very still and see how the contrast dye injected in an iv concentrates in her kidneys. Anywhere it does not go is assumed to be a damaged and scarred area. Big fun. The doctor will meet with us right after so we do not need to do another trip there. Well based on the schedule i have tentatively for the 28th it really means appt for test @ 9:15 am with at least an 8:45 am arrival time and an appt with the doc at 1:15 that afternoon. So i guess i will be kicking it all day at Hopkins. I guess we will be buying food out that day.

So i am waiting for that appointment to make my final decision on the antibiotic. I would love for other mothers to get better answers, but medicating for no good reason is so against my nature. For a condition that can affect up to 20% of the population how do we still know so little? Well the 20% is even a guess thanks to a study in Denmark where all children were given a vcug and the defect was noted in 20% of all babies. The actual number for girls is right around 4% of the population who get it discovered. So that means like 95% of people with present no symptoms. I wonder how this links to kidney disorders in adults? Or hypertension?

It is just all so murky and unsure. No matter what it looks like the doc will not do another vcug for 2 years. So somewhere between 2-5 years of just waiting around. UGGh not my mentality at all. It feels like aj all over again. But only a little worse because this time i know that something is wrong. But this does not seem to be on the same boogey man level that the options for aj were. I guess there is hope in that. Maybe she wont be so cruel with this one for me.

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Momma's Joy is 6 months

So for 6 months we get 2 pictures. I realize that eventually the shot will have to not be in the diaper, but for another 6 months i am going with it. What a healthy little chunk. Well weight, height and milestones wise. She is so pushing ahead. Still no teeth, but they are imminent. so on Tuesday January 5, 2010 6 months to the day Tabytha joy weighed 17 pounds was 25 3/4 inches long with a head circumference of 42.5 cm. she was also hitting the major milestones expected. The little bugger is trying to stand on her own. She is trying to sit up, but doing all abs so i wonder where she gets that from. I swear that i regularly see her try a pilates move. I will post about the hopkins visit, just in a separate one. This one can celebrate. The other one can go all dark and twisty.

I do so love her baby piggy toes. So cute. Everyone on Facebook kept commenting on her elbow dimples. Something i did not notice until then and am utterly charmed by. This is so my baby. She has a short time limit with anyone but me. She even has a short time limit when being around me and not held. I have always heard that a baby can not be spoiled for the first 6 months, i really hope that is true. Even daddy has a short time limit if mommy is not around. Last night it was 45 minutes. I was called back to tend to her it became so bad. I felt awful to see her so upset. The upside is that i appear to have made some progress with my knit stitch. Maybe in a few weeks i can try a purl stitch. Not sure if i will take her or not next month. Because daddy is home the second Friday of February. We will see, the ladies missed her.

I am still generally enjoying mommy baby dance. I think her issue is affecting it somewhat. i do generally like having a baby that is all about me. Some days though it would be nice to get a little more time not carrying around 17 pounds. I am pretty much carrying around all of the weight of the pregnancy again. Well the net effect is less because i am currently 9 pounds less then when i started. Still not satisfied with my shape yet. I really need to work on it. I did walk with a new partner yesterday in the snow. That looks like a promising development. Swimming next week with someone who will help with my breathing/face in the water issue.
So we will see.

Tabytha is really moving forward. Can't wait to see what she does in the next month.

Sunday, January 3, 2010

Clear NT Scan

January 2, 2008 we had our first appointment with the perinatologist.  The big fun of a baby over 35.  My gp wrote my refferal for 6 visits.  WE all that was so over the top.  Little did we know how close to using all of them i would come.  The extra joy of going nutty and placenta previa.  Thanks to living on the wilds of the Eastern Shore it meant an hour drive to Annapolis to see the specialists that my ob likes.  The group really is great.  The visit took forever.  Thankfully, not all of my visits were that long.  

The first visit comes with all of the paperwork which had been mailed and dutifully filled out by me.  You arrive early and wait.  Then you meet with a genetic specialist.  They go over risk rates for certain disorders and ask about ethnic backgrounds.  My husband is adopted, so a lot of that we did not know.  Well we had a clue with his 2 healthy daughters.  Oddly seeing it all laid out like that made it somehow more comforting.  Then we get an option to add blood work screening which can further rule things out.  We of course accepted that.  Back to the waiting room.  

You are then called over to the ultrasound side, after some more waiting.  That is where the blood is drawn as well.  The us showed what to me was a remarkable amount of detail of my baby at 12 weeks.  Somehow she has always felt like a baby not a fetus to me.  They take shots at all sorts of different angles.  One she totally looks like some sort of an alien baby.  The test itself is super cool they are counting the folds at the back of the baby's neck.  The test is call neural translucency.  The name is kind of funny and feels a little odd on the tongue.  We passed with flying colors.  The blood work would further rule out downs syndrome and a host of other genetic defects.  I think after all of my clear testing my chance was something like 1 in 60,000.  Funny how with medicine it is never zero.  

Even those numbers did not come with a complete peace.  I was still so strung about how baby would get out.  Hope can be and often is a cruel bitch.

Oddly this was the first contracting check we received that day as well.  So that meant a little shopping and a nice lunch whole over the bridge.  With 13 plus months of wildcatting and almost 3 months this fall of no work i am fatigued with the consultant life.  Well really is going on almost 4 years now.  Paid time off and company healthcare seems like some long ago dream.  Sigh it would be nice. Setting your own schedule is not quite the panacea it seems from the other side.  Thankfully work came at the very tail end of November.  Not quite a full calendar or the full rate yet, but it inspires hope.  We are both at this point ready for full time.  2 weeks paid vacation and a week sick seem like some yummy dream.  Maybe this will be the year.  

I will either blog a lot this week or be rather silent.  I have a 6 month checkup and a trip to the pediatric urologist coming up.  Wish us luck with that.