Monday, March 22, 2010

Feeling The Crazy Creep Back

So is it normal to get a little spun when jumping on the ttc coaster? I think it just might. I strongly suspect it is best to just show up that way. And don't even get me started on what happens while pregnant.

But if you know me at all or even have read much of this blog you mine is a somewhat specific kind of crazy. the c-section crazy. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess the phrase a great study in 80's did not help. But honestly i need to own this crazy as all my own.  Hearing possible did not help, but let's be honest here i probably would be making these calls anyways.  Now i know a yes might be doable.  so far i am at 2 no's.  One group after the calls while pregnant last time i have no desire to call at all.  They are a big group and that does limit my nearer options.  A yes would not even necessarily guarantee a go with a new doc.  i need to clear a bit of air with mine.  They are excellent and my first choice to go with again.  Hmm maybe i'll try to hang with it and stick out till 9 cm's dialated??  Yeah right Kevin will so forcibly drag me in before that happens.  

As i was sharing today in bible study it is sad how quickly they come back.  Really guard which doors you open.  Because this is one door i wish i could shut.  but i am not even sure exactly why it was opened/created.  i know some and really wish i could spare others this torment.  But i also know that as other stressors pop in my life this one roars back.  Sometimes like a familar little safety valve and others as a way to cripple me.  My refusal to lay down this time and let fear steal the precious from me i am sure is strongly linked to why it popped back.  and i need to remind myself that it is only a moment, don't get me wrong major surgery then being sent home with a tiny human to care for sucks.  But it does not make me less.  So often we are mislead into believeing that things make us less.  And that is often not true at all.  So this lie i am trying to banish from my thought closet.  I will instead focus on the fact that i like being a mom and do a pretty decent job of it.  

And i will dwell strongly on Philippians 4:13 "I can do all thing through him who strengthens me."  and also know that God will take evil and make good from it.  Maybe the real test this time is to truly begin to forgive myself for past bad choices.  Because then maybe it really won't matter or hurt so much.  

Sunday, March 14, 2010

Back on the TTC Coaster

So time to go for it and throw caution to the wind. Ok so after finally cycling in december and then being 10 days late the following month we decided why not? Honestly i need to be done. I really can't hit pause and just hang out on this issue for another 18 months. This decision needs to be about our family and what is right for mommy's head. The sad thing is how quickly the v-bac/c-section crazy came back. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess not. Thursday night i had a pretty descriptive dream of giving birth. Wishful thinking i am sure. It would still be nice though. I have a few places i am going to check though. It can't hurt,,,right?

Maybe it can. My husband is willing to cautiously precede with trying. He all but threatened to lock me up if i even suggested a home birth. So that is one crazy thought to keep to myself. honestly, not something i would even be comfortable with. Insurance requires me to stay in md and overall i am happy with my doc, just wished the did v-bac. My plan for now is to stay close to home. might as well be hospitalized 15 mins from home as anywhere else. And the nursing care really was/is top notch there. But a few calls to see if anyone will even give a 2 time looser like me a shot might be in order as well.

Of course a sane person would worry about that after getting pregnant. Maybe that distracts me from worrying about getting pregnant. I was 5 days later again this month. Today had i not started i was planning on testing. Eh well that saved me $15 at least. It would be nice to sail right into it again. But if it takes a longtime again, it takes a longtime again. Maybe though to start closer to ontime might be nice though. It was like just as you begin to think maybe?? Is it? The no comes somewhat loud and clear. Who knows by the end of the year i might decided that it is over. i tried hard not too pin so much hope on it this month, but i realized that i had.
Do they have a 12 step plan for going crazy about how to get pregnant and how they get out???