Sunday, August 30, 2009

Sleeping babies, church and the beginning of an idea

So this morning i am missing church.  Tabytha is sleeping.  Last night she was not so happy for an almost 4 hour period that finally ended with her going to sleep at 11:30.  I am loathe to wake her after that incident.  Plus I know that she has to be very sleepy.  This morning i put a robe on her right after the bath, so i would need to dress her before walking next door.  I hope this is just not an excuse.  But she is only 8 weeks old today.  wow that seems so long ago.  When she is not cranky and inconsolable i really enjoy my baby girl.  I doubt many parents go yippee at the sight or sound of their child in fuss mode.  

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  Some friends came to visit.  It was very nice to see them.  The trip also gave me a glimmer of an idea of what to do next.  I am not going into a lot of detail here today, but at least i have something to look into now.  Just something at an idea maybe level feels good.  The search also put another thought into my mind.  I saw a school that offers a bs in holistic nutrition, maybe it was holistic health.  That might be a good idea for me in itself.  But that is not the idea i am looking into at this point.  That night be more of a nice add-on.  First my idea will take some real world, girlfriend and sister advice/input.  That and some $ for what might be upto 12k for school.  But eh really what is a little more debt.  Funny how that car which i avoided getting now has me going eh what is a little deeper of hole?  I guess school is a better thing to go into debt for then jeans, jewels or cars.  

Funny this is the first post in awhile where i am looking at what to do next.  Funny because that is the point of the blog, at least that is what i said when i started it.  Maybe one just needs to clean and clear out the old to focus on the new.  Maybe it is just about the journey of my life.  Today the sun is shinning and i plan on reveling in that while i can.

Friday, August 28, 2009


So the last week or so some of the anxiety has returned.  I am not completely sure what triggered it, but i know my 6 week appointment is what i am anxious about this time.  I got a good report and was released, but i am for some odd reason quite nervous about my pap results.  20 years off good ones and here i am sweating one.  I really thought when he said everything looked normal during surgery that this fear about my health old go away.  It did for awhile.  But now like a roaring lion it has returned.  Why does pregnancy seem to trigger such fear and anxiety?

A few weeks ago I was at a friend's house for a photo shoot and she was sharing some of the anxiety she felt during her pregnancy.  It struck me just how frightening this special time can be.  

If you are actively trying, you sweat is this the month?  As that drags the hope begins to fade, then it happens out of the blue almost.  Then it is oh how long will this feeling of sickness last?  Sweating the first doctors appointment.  Which screenings if any do I do?  Then sweating each result.  A few short weeks of relief, then bam a complication.  Everybody says no big deal it might move, just call if you start bleeding.  Um yeah that is real reassuring.   Of course for me this time is also made a little worse by the knowledge that life threatening complication or not if i stick with my doctor it will be another surgery.  More sonograms to check if it moved, more nerves about that.  Then that awful week in April.  I saw a week because it started with scheduling my c-section and the crippling knowledge of how broken that left me feeling.  I remember sitting on my bed and loosing it screaming teen crack heads can birth why can't I?  then that night where i felt something a late trip to the hospital and confirmation that yes at 28 weeks you are contracting.  Fortunately that was related to a secondary cause that we treated, but it still meant bed rest.  Which led to another trip to the hospital.  

The second trip led to a test that was reassuring in that it was highly unlikely that i would go into labor for the next 2 weeks at least.  That led to a gradual resumption of life.  Of course i was still limited as i had been put on light duty after some light spotting-thankfully that was old blood.  This period led to no sleeping, and a time of extreme anxiety and depression.  Thankfully ambien allowed me to sleep and pepcid let me eat something at least.  

During this i prayed and begged and fought and did everything i could think of to prevent another surgery.  Surgery is no way to have a baby, but it beats bleeding to death.  Then i began to reason-Joyce Meyer has an excellent chapter against it in her book "Battlefield of the Mind"-maybe the surgery needs to happen for a reason.  Why might i need it?  The best answer my mind came up was maybe something will be found that would otherwise never be found.  I reasoned my way into the belief that some tumor that would not be caught would be spotted during the surgery. Nothing.  I was a little shocked by this, but also very relieved.  I thought i had relaxed and gotten over.  Sadly the last week has proven that is not true.  The nightmares about some awful health scare has returned.  I have dreaded everytime my phone has rang during the hours of 9-5.  i should have my results by early next week. Hopefully that will put an end to this dread.  But i wonder what will trigger it again?  What can i do to chase it away for good?

Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Swimming and high school

This morning is the first time that i went swimming since the first of July.  I am not sure if I swam July 1 even, but definately not after that because I was terrified of my water breaking while I was in the pool.  I have heard that my doctor is more concerned about someone not knowing, but i was afraid that i would know.  That i would know because someone would point the trail of funk behind me.  Since i knew that i wanted to go back and would die if  that happened once it seemed like i was getting slightly more regular contractions i decided to skip the pool.  5 days was easy to do.  Had I gone the full 9 days to my scheduled surgery I am not sure I would have made it.  But the point of the post is how nice it felt to drift and push through the water.  Boy am i out of shape though.  Still did not put my face in the water for freestyle stroke.  20 plus minute of really going at it wore me out; and i know that my pace this morning was not full out.  

My swim today  did get me thinking about running.  I hate to run.  like really truly loathe it.  Some how the swim that kicked my butt got me thinking that running would get my conditioning right back where it needs to be.  It also pointed how trashed my abs are.  Now i am very motivated to get time on my performer and core max.  

Aj started school today.  No building change or anything, but it is still her first day of highschool.  I really should have gotten a picture, but well i did not think of it and the scene would not have been nice.  For some reason she hates it when i take her picture.  Maybe after school she will let me get a shot.  But i doubt i will forget the moment.  So here is the confessional piece of this just felt like a normal day.  I was more of a wow moment to imagine her starting 9th grade then it was dropping her off this morning.  After leaving the school and heading to the college to swim it felt more like life is back to normal.  

Is that bad?  Or is it just that often we get more bowled over thinking of the big events in our life then living them?  Or is it that life is a series of normal days that reveal our biggest triumphs?  Because sending off the remarkable young woman I gave birth to felt like a real triumph this morning.  

Next big journey is college, but is something to ponder in another 4 years....and pre-k for Tabytha which is scarier today. The my nursing newborn starting school is just...well i doubt i need to explain that feeling to any mother out there.  At least not one who sent a child off to any sort of journey this fall.  

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

A 5 hour block of sleep

So last night Tabytha slept for a block of 5 hours.  Yeah!  Hopefully this will be a new trend that will be repeated nightly.  Because the 4 plus hour block of that i slept was great.  Tomorrow i will need to set an alarm to make sure a child is off to school on time.  I now get to resume driving to Chestertown at least twice a day.  So tomorrow my plan is to swim after dropping child off at school.  How weird it will be to swim not pregnant.   I wonder if I will be comfortable to put my face in the water?  Of course the plan to swim on Wednesday has a greater of chance of success then the one on Monday because I will be driving my daughter to school.  

But dwelling on my high schooler can wait a minute, or a day.  I have plenty of time to go wow what did I do?!!  The good lord willing i also have plenty of time to enjoy both of my girls.  the driving well that not so much.  But this year has taught that everyday is a gift.  Even more so when not burdened by the clouds of grief, fear and anxiety.  The anxiety i feel trying to creep back, but today i banish it with the knowledge that God is good.

Saturday, August 22, 2009


Today seems to have been touched with an underlying twinge of sadness all day.  I have no idea why.  We all had a pretty decent time running around today.  I do hope that feeling good was not some temporary tease of a thing. Maybe it is just pervasive tiredness.  So hopefully an early night will banish it.  

still blown away at the thought of my aj being in high school.  

Friday, August 21, 2009

Packed Away baby clothes

So funny that after posting on beginnings and endings yesterday this morning started off with baby clothes that needed to be put away.  My husband got up after me with Tabytha and noticed that she needed a diaper and a gown change.  So he went to grab a onesie as it was already so hot.  He grabbed a few that she had already outgrown.  I pretty much knew that she had, but had not tried them on and put them away yet.  I now have a decent sized pile of things that no longer fit her.  Sort of fitting in light of the idea of how fleeting every season is.  I know that pile of too small thing will only continue to grow.  At least i hope that it does because the alternative is not nice at all.  But still a little sad to see it grow so quickly.  

I ditched the beach with the family to stay in.  Which for me is remarkable.  Too hot out and well I need a break after a few days stuck in a car or the house with everyone.  I had fantasies of getting so much done.  That did not happen as is often the case for parents of 6 week olds.  Kevin piled the  older girls off the play in the sand and i met a friend for lunch.  Hopefully a good day for all.  A real treat since this morning started with a twinge of melancholy.  This afternoon after time in the word and a day with just me and the baby seems to hold much more promise and joy.  

Good is good.  Nice time today in the proverbs and Nehemiah 8.  I could feel the peace descend as i dwelt on the meaning and promise of the Word.  God is good! 

Thursday, August 20, 2009

The end of summer

Yesterday i was looking at my uber talented friend's Heather's flickr stream and she has posted some shots of dying corn that she labeled the summer's end and seeing them made me a little sad.  It is sort of funny because my next thought was that it barely felt like we had a summer at all.  But it did really get me thinking and i wanted to post some random thoughts on summer and ends.  Yes I know technically summer does not end for another month and labor day is 2 weeks away, but next week the kids start school and well let's face it that is the end of summer. 

Are endings always sad?  I think in a way they generally are.   The Sunday night I went into the hospital to have the baby I did feel a tinge of sadness along with the nerves.  I was nervous because somehow deep inside i knew that if I walked into maternity he was going in to take the baby.  But I was also a little sad because I knew that was the end of the pregnancy.  Even though it felt like the pregnancy from hell, i was sad to see it end.  And not just because I did not get my bellycast done.  That may well prove to be the last time I felt a child move inside me(odd to miss that after the way Tabytha battered me).  The night before may prove to be the last time i looked on my full ripe pregnancy created curves.  I did not feel that happy about my pregnancy tummy when trying to chop vegetables, but that is another thought stream.  I wonder how much of the post baby blues is linked to a sadness over the end of something.  

Every ending brings a new beginning.  I do love the new beginning of getting to know my precious long awaited baby girl.  I really wish she could give one night with a nice 6 hour block though.  Come on baby once a week just to help your momma out.  But eh sleep i can do that later.  I might never again hold a cooing infant.  A screaming one does not generate the same ahhh feeling somehow.   Each milestone seems like a delight and a loss at the same time.  To borrow a phrase from the equally talented Derrika the halycon days of childhood are fleeting.  Is it that knowledge that motivates women to go through it all again?

Summer, summer is it even a summer at all with no trips to the beach?  That will hopefully be corrected Friday and Tuesday.  Even as i think fondly of summer and sadly of it ending, I also focus on the delights of the fall to come.  Wow my daughter starts high school this year.  In 4 years, God willing, I will be packing her up and settling her into college.  That year I will send one child off into adulthood with the start of college and the other one will be just starting her school journey in pre-school.  wow in black and white that seems so overwhelming.  wow.  

For the next 6 days at i plan on enjoying the last fleeting moments of summer and the freedom it brings.   

Monday, August 17, 2009

Off the Broke Reserve List

So happy about to jump for joy.  Pilates here I come.  Man it feels so good to be free of restrictions.  I have felt so much better today then before.  I told the ob that i felt more sane now then during the pregnancy.  Hopefully, this feeling good is not some sort of temporary thing.  I did score pretty well on my ppd screening so maybe that is good news.  There have been a few days when i thought that monster had gotten me.  I do know that it can still strike for the next few months at least.  But I got a much better report on it then I expected.  

Since April  I have lived in the land of can't.  I expected at any turn of a corner to start bleeding or some other pregnancy caused complication.  Since July of course incision fears.  Those were more daunting then the previa concerns.  Wheew the relief to just be told you are under no restrictions.  Now if only this leg would behave.  

The best was according to the doc my risks of having Placenta Previa did skyrocket like I thought. Which seems odd, but the man does know his stuff.  Not that I am sure eager to rush into another surgery.  Wow how did such a natural girl(well ok outside of the hair color,basic grooming and tan from a bottle)  end with her only option being option c?    Is that reason enough to raise 2 only children?  But there is time to answer this question.  Plus I am banishing fear for now.  God is good and has showed me recently that restoration is possible.  

Saturday, August 15, 2009

Today is a beautiful day!

Today i will rejoice in the day that the Lord has made! 
I also plan to delight in the miracle he gave me.  Tabytha is up and smiley today.  What a delight.  These days are so rare.  I thank God for the chance to delight in them.  The Psalms remind us that no matter how dark the night, the morning always comes.  

Thursday, August 13, 2009

I know that the sun will shine

Or alternate title I know that the baby will not be crank everyday.  Yesterday Miss Tabytha was off all day.  Thankfully she slept well though the night.  i handed her off at 9:30 and went to sleep.  She fussed awake right after that and daddy took care of getting her back to sleep.  My husband really is a great father.  In fact, he is so beating me at this parent thing right now.  

This morning after a night of sleep I know that everyday will not be like yesterday was.  I also know that I will not feel this sadness that has been like a cloak between me and the world forever.  So I do know that no matter how gray the moment might seem one day the sun will shine.  While pouring my tea i thought one day it will not matter how my daughter got here.  I have always believed that it was more important the she be ok, but there is still an ache to have not given birth.  Surgery is not giving birth.  But I am hopeful that soon the feeling of loss over not haven given birth will go away.  I know that hormones and the whole birth thing in general will go away soon.  I hope so.  The funny thing is that writing this if feels like I am being whiny.  I am sorry if it seems that way.  I even get how in the grand scheme of things this is not so big, but it is how I feel today.  Which i can say is better then how i felt a few weeks ago even.  
I am still left wondering who sets out to do this to themselves?

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Living in the Land of Can't

Living in the Land of can't is no fun at all.  It feels like I have ben stuck there since Spring.  Thanks to pregnancy in general and a nice little complication in general it felt like the pregnancy was all about living in the land of can't.  

The food limitations were not so bad.  I can give up Sushi and brie cheese for a few short months--of course I forgot no sushi until after breastfeeding was done.   Feta and goat cheese were easier to skip until you go to a restaurant and try to order a salad beyond a basic tossed.  Add blue cheese and at least where I live just request no cheese.  But really not that bad.  After all it is only a season.  

The physical limits are and were much worse.  No lifting, no pilates, no being a wife, no a whole lot else.  Monday a lot of those go away and boy am I ready.  But today I had a bit of a revelation while trying to stretch and listening to Joyce Meyer.  As someone who is normally quite limber fighting through just to touch my toes was no fun-but that is not so much the point.  I realized that I was the person locking myself in the land of can't.  Not my doctor or the pregnancy, but me.  There is so much I can do, but i ignore of neglect those and focus on what I can not do.  So today I have a choice to keep whining or to be grateful for what I can do.  

One of those things is hold my new baby.  My baby who was delivered at term, who left the hospital the day I did.  Not something I thought would happen when I lost my mind and had some pre-term contractions at 28 weeks, even my doctors were unsure I would make it to term.  To have done so with no bleeding was even more remarkable.  I know many people that would give anything just to get pregnant.   A baby that appears to be perfectly healthy.  A year ago I felt the same thing myself.   I remember seeing a friend who just had a baby and while being so happy for her, being at the same time sad and a little envious.  

So for today at least I am going to focus on my can dos.  That is my plan/goal at least.

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

First Post

Ok so here goes.  This idea has floated in the brain for a bit and now it is time to try it.  It feels weird now that I started.  The ideas floated in my head so much easier when it was just an idea.  Another Tuesday with no doctor visits.  This was week 5 without them, and i think the day felt empty in part because it still seems weird not to be going to a doc visit on a Tuesday.  After 6 months of every month, then every week with a nst from 30 weeks on, it still feels like Tuesday should have some sort of a doctor/hospital visit.   That does not even include the visits to Annapolis with the perinatologist.    

Next week will have 2, one for Tabytha to get a final look at the hip and an omt for me.  I get the 6 week check with the ob on Monday.  The Monday appointment seems like a final sign that the pregnancy is indeed done.  Looking forward to the next 6 months with baby.  I have waited so long to do this, so why do I feel so lost?  Is that normal?