Thursday, October 29, 2009

Going Home Again

Can you ever really go home again?
Even more importantly would you really ever want to?
An eight day visit with my parents prompted the questions.  My sister feels that she could.  I know that she would prefer not to,  but claims that she could.  For me the answer quickly became no.  I am closer then 10 years ago, but still like my things my way.  

My poor family is probably so traumatized by that fact.  Down to tonight when my daughter started cooking, i pointed out she was using the wrong pot to make quinoa.  I mean really does it matter that much?  in fairness to me she was using the fondue pot piece, but i must confess that any pan, but the one i use would have prompted comment.  I really need to follow Tania's advice and develop a case of the who cares.  ok she used another term, but who cares works better for me.  

But going home again i think is not truly possible for any of us.  Why?  Because after a mere 6 weeks away we are no longer the same person.  To truly go home again implies no growth or change.  I am almost consistently told that Carlsbad would be unrecognizable to me.  A lady getting her hair done by joy at the same time even made the point about the area to me.  So i guess it is true.  Hopefully the beach will be the same though.  But if we are growing and doing the right things would should change as well.  

I know that i have changed from the girl who left her parents home the day she walked in her graduation ceremony from high school.  My parents have as well.  Some, many of those changes have been for the better.  Both for me and for them.  When not going completely psycho or tormented about the whole baby situation i like the woman i have become.  I surely look forward to seeing who my children will become.  So one day in not too many years one of them will come home for a visit and we will both realize that there is no going home again.  I just hope they visit to show me a grandchild and how it has changed since i visited for the birth.  That was the best part of the trip watching my parents delight in my joy.  

Sunday, October 18, 2009

My New Obsession

Yes i tend to go there with things that obsess me.  They tend to strike most especially at the beginning of winter times.   i do not always develop a particular skill with them more just a way not to feel so trapped during the cold dark winters.  Some say that winter in Maryland is not so bad, but to this 5th generation California native they are!  Throw in some minor sad and a week of gray drizzle with highs of 43 and yep it is full on winter to me.  This year the obsession appears it will bread.  Not just any bread, but homemade bread from the bread maker that has sat on the freezer in the laundry room for 3 years now.  Yep not even caused by a new purchase or gift.  

I may not be super fond of the way the loaves look.  but it so is the bomb way to make bread with no counter space and an infant.  I might miss the sensuous acts of the kneading and punching, but the smell and feel of fresh baked can be had my some measuring, button pushing and occasional viewing through the top of the machine.  It is fun to wait until the final ding.  Both loaves so far i have cut into as soon as they finished and were successfully removed from the maker pan, no small feat with kneader thing stuck in the bottom of them!  The slices may be jagged, but the butter melts so perfectly and the feel of it too good to resist.  The flavor at least in the rosemary bread seemed to develop better with a little cooling and tine.  

Now i am on a quest to try as many recipes as possible.  I only got 3 little yeast packets in case i did not like it.  Today i plan to hit the store just for a jar of yeast to feed the new obsession.  It will need to come with a new cardio fixation as well.  That might be a good thing.  Cardio is not something i long to do.  I have plenty fo tapes to play with and throw in fit tv and even during the long winter confinement i should be able to find plenty of ways to keep moving in order to offset my increased bread intake.  
So far i made a rosemary bread with basic bread flour and an oatmeal bread with reg bread flour again.  I want to play and try many options.  Any recipes or suggestions would be greatly appreciated.  My next is going to be a banana bread of some sort.  I have snack tuesday morning for bible study and want to take a bread and some muffins of some sort.  I also want to play with some based on whole grains.  I would love to try making a quinoa and herb bread.  Yumm-oh.  A bread based on whole grains would seem more fitting to me.  AFter all how can a food nazi, as my darling husband so fondly calls me, spend a winter obsessed with making breads from basic bread flour?  

Recipes and ideas would be greatly appreciated.  I might have to figure out how to keep a tally of different bread recipes tried and reviews of them.  

ps i still hate gray rainy blah days but the carb coma might just help me not care.  

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Trusting that the healing will come

So doing a little better on the sleep.  Part of that is letting husband do a bit more.  Plus the cold snap seems to keep me in bed a little later.  Still stressed about several other things.  But the seem to be resolving.  Yeah!

Last night i did get a big revelation that i need to share.  So i have been asking and wondering when it will stop hurting.  Maybe my real question has been will it stop?  Well my answer is yes it will.  That knowledge comes from deep in my soul after listening to a good recording of the word.  The focus of the study was on Jesus as the good Sheppard.  That God will make us to lie down and take in hat we need for our good.  Just to know that it will stop hurting helps.  So when is becoming less important to me.  Would it be nice to know that someone will ask something on Nov 5 at 11 am and the answer will not hurt?  Of course.  That just thinking c-section number 3 won't make my throat hurt with choked back tears is relief enough for me.  

Now were i to turn up pregnant tomorrow i would hardly bounce into the doc's office perkily excited to schedule my next surgery.  But i know i can do it again if i have to, he will just have to give a month or two before scheduling it.  Honestly i am already at the where not having another child hurts more then having another surgery.  A miracle would still be nice.  And that is exactly what a baby is.  Even if the fuss most days from 7 pm till they drop off sometime after 9.  

So for both baby number three and the healing from how my children arrive will be left to God and his timing.  Nope not trying yet.  I doubt i will go the "ideal of 2 years" but really want more time to focus on tabytha and aj still.  but turning up pregnant next week would not be the nightmare that woke me up a few weeks ago either.  Will trusting the relief come help it come sooner?  
any tips on making my scar less noticeable?

Sunday, October 11, 2009


So why am i dog tired and unable to nap?  I am not just a little tired, i am wiped out.  like don't make me focus, because i can't.   It had me zoning out for a large part of church.  ok some of that was the awe i feel when i look at baby is she sleeping, smiling or sleeping with that beautiful smile on her face.  Heather and Derrika did such a wonderful job of capturing that is come beautiful shots.  But there is not denying that a lot of it was covered by the tiredness.  i am having such a hard time falling asleep during the day.  I miss napping.  When will it return??  will it return.  
Any moms out there that can offer a word of encouragement?  Because i really need some right now.  Gotta run baby is cranking in the swing.  i guess that my free time for the day is over.  Much more to come on this subject. I know some of the problem is my dreams and the places where my mind wanders.