Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Another leg done. At first my thought was leg one done, but that is not the case. Every other class I have taken in college has played a role in this semester. Both in terms of credit counts and how I choose to attack this semester, or leg of the journey. Somehow the idea of boat type of analogies come to mind. I have not so much started from fresh as adjusted course. Or maybe it is more like I am getting another chance to visit somewhere I had doubts I would make.

Either way if is a leg or a new start this piece is done. Not just finished, but conquered! Well a 4.0 sure feels that way. I think Statistics may have been a bit of a gift, but it is one I am not returning for sure! I will say thank you with a big old grin. I am loathe to say it is deserved, but I sure did work for it. Wow the days of craziness and near to fight my way through a 40 problem homework. 38 of those being multiple part one with like a-d. Very glad to have that done. I might still break out the book at the end of the week to run back through a few ideas from the last chapter. Because my knowledge from the course is clearly not a gift. Truly something earned.

The little break I get to spring clean and organize the house and well my life is nice. I am just as ready to jump right back in and have time off with the kids to enjoy. But really I can enjoy time off with Tabytha. Even at 2 there are glimmers in everyday. It takes effort to see every fit the frustration it is. I will saw that my jaw is was less clenched when I do.

I am so grateful to all who played a part in my completing the restart of my journey. Bless you all. Mostly to my husband and children. Yes family all week I will cook and we can even after 4:30 this week.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

Inspiration and a new Direction.

I am not sure whether to title this post inspiration or a slightly new post. I guess when i am done typing and name we will all know.

Yes i am back and alive. I will do another post on how the semester went and completing a leg on the journey.
I woke up yesterday morning and felt the need to create. Not with yarn, but with food. It felt like the last few weeks had been all about grind it out and move on. I wanted to spend time and make something new so I did. It felt almost like the thought was blessed. One of the first posts on my facebook feed was a corn pasta. Yeah I had a plan. The link to the blog i got it from is here http://bakedbree.com/. I am so glad to have found her.

We went to market and got some great local ingredients.

Baby red romaine gave way to a great salad. I mixed in some micro greens from the same vendor as the romaine. To make it even better i roasted some cherry tomatoes. A buck a pack at ACME, no way I could pass that up.

This times I was good. I kept to the recipe for the pasta. I did use whole wheat angel hair in place but otherwise I went with it as written. It is a pretty pasta.

I just can't wait to use fresh eastern shore sweet corn. Just thinking about the local corn makes my mouth water. Really enjoy living here and I plan to spend the next few years enjoying everything about it.

I had some frozen flavored shrimp and decided to round out the meal with that. I did not snap before serving so here is a picture of myhusband's plate.

I got a funny look just taking that one.
Oh and the salad with roasted tomatoes and the parm cheese.

I called the blog Cora's take and i really want it to be just that my take. My take on everything not just the mental disfunction I have focused on. So look for posting more often and on more things. More on every area of my life.

I like cooking so a lot more of that will be featured. But it will not be all about that even if I do feed between 4-6 people everyday.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Today it feels like i am war. The one that feels the most pressing is the war with myself. Well my own body at least. Mother's day is approaching and I know that the gift i most wanted for that day will not be. Well at least not right now. In February i was so sure that it would happen, just not then. How is it that less then 60 days later that sureness is gone? or fleeting at best really? I suppose that reveals the other war, the on with my mind. What sometimes feels like a war with my faith. For now at least none of it changes my love for Jesus.

I guess when it does that will be time to stop. But what would stopping cost? Would it really leave me feeling trapped in that frail broken box? Or would it be the moment i let myself out once and for all? It all seems so much and overwhelming now. Like crawl back in bed and pull up the covers too much. But with school motherhood and wifely duties that is not even an option today. In fact the luxury of this post might be on the selfish side today. I should be speeding through the shower so i can get to studying. End of semesteritis has truly set in. I need to shake it of so finals can get studied for. I would hate inattention to wipe out and entire semester's work.
So a few more sentences and then time to get to work. Today i know it is ok to be sad. Really feeling is good and important. The watch point for me is when it takes away from enjoying what I have. I am blessed and loved. Focusing on that is my goal not just for today, but for hopefully the rest of my life. What a gift to enjoy what i have without envy of what other's have.

Now to shower so I can study. Statistics is no fun so I can give myself a little on that one. 2-3 more homework problems, then I think i will start studying for my algebra final. Maybe weaving them in together will break some of the blahness about it all.
Or maybe it is a sign that i just need more sleep?
Bask in your blessing and let that guide you to peace today.


Thursday, February 10, 2011

A loss

Yes it is a loss, but I mean it isin't like I sat the baby down and it ran off. Or like I can't remember where I put my keys. But yet the term often used is we lost the baby. Nor is the news even surprising. Still shocking and a little painful to hear. I am most worried for our family members we told. How do I call my parents and tell them? I have great parents and know I will be there first concern. But still it is sometimes harder to have others share in loss and grief.

Nor do I feel like the special gift was stolen from me, just that for some reason the time wasn't right. Well it is no fun to go through at any time, better early then late. Even at 10 weeks after my first appointment would have been more heart wrenching. 20 weeks unimaginable. That does bring a measure of solace. A sense that someone is watching out for me. I know that no matter what God has got me. I know i can get pregnant and that my husband truly wants it. Both things until this week I had doubts about. It feels once again like Cora & Kevin and that is very precious to me. I love you husband.

I know that i need to take the time to grieve. One major lesson from everything I went through while pregnant with Tabytha, but at the same time I just want to move on. Look forward and not be defined by this. IT happened and I have a new sense of what others go through. But for now my focus is my blessings. With a nearly 16 yr old and a 19 month old and 2 math classes this semester there is not a lot if time to stop. I feel the emotions as they come. But for now it is being tired and a sense of wanting to just be.

Am I numb? I do not think that is it. This month that we will take off from trying will be a time to heal and rest. We are both committed to trying again, but ready to be done at the same time. Well at least I am done. Not done enough to stop, but done enough to know with certainty the next baby will be the last for us. Not from a scared or hysterical place, but a place of peace. So in some small and odd way my prayer for peace seems to be answered. I am even at peace somewhat with the loss. At this point I am 48 hours out from it. I did not need the blood test to know what my body was doing. I also know that times of sadness will still hit. They will come and go like waves I am sure. But i know we can manage them.