Monday, March 22, 2010

Feeling The Crazy Creep Back

So is it normal to get a little spun when jumping on the ttc coaster? I think it just might. I strongly suspect it is best to just show up that way. And don't even get me started on what happens while pregnant.

But if you know me at all or even have read much of this blog you mine is a somewhat specific kind of crazy. the c-section crazy. I really thought i had made peace with it. I guess the phrase a great study in 80's did not help. But honestly i need to own this crazy as all my own.  Hearing possible did not help, but let's be honest here i probably would be making these calls anyways.  Now i know a yes might be doable.  so far i am at 2 no's.  One group after the calls while pregnant last time i have no desire to call at all.  They are a big group and that does limit my nearer options.  A yes would not even necessarily guarantee a go with a new doc.  i need to clear a bit of air with mine.  They are excellent and my first choice to go with again.  Hmm maybe i'll try to hang with it and stick out till 9 cm's dialated??  Yeah right Kevin will so forcibly drag me in before that happens.  

As i was sharing today in bible study it is sad how quickly they come back.  Really guard which doors you open.  Because this is one door i wish i could shut.  but i am not even sure exactly why it was opened/created.  i know some and really wish i could spare others this torment.  But i also know that as other stressors pop in my life this one roars back.  Sometimes like a familar little safety valve and others as a way to cripple me.  My refusal to lay down this time and let fear steal the precious from me i am sure is strongly linked to why it popped back.  and i need to remind myself that it is only a moment, don't get me wrong major surgery then being sent home with a tiny human to care for sucks.  But it does not make me less.  So often we are mislead into believeing that things make us less.  And that is often not true at all.  So this lie i am trying to banish from my thought closet.  I will instead focus on the fact that i like being a mom and do a pretty decent job of it.  

And i will dwell strongly on Philippians 4:13 "I can do all thing through him who strengthens me."  and also know that God will take evil and make good from it.  Maybe the real test this time is to truly begin to forgive myself for past bad choices.  Because then maybe it really won't matter or hurt so much.  

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