Friday, November 19, 2010
Dream Deferred or Cancelled?
How does one decide to give up a dream? How do you know when it is time? Is it when it starts to hurt too much to hope? When instead of enjoying what you have you only focus on what is missing? Even though many would say i have more then enough.
Or does it take something else to focus on?
The dream of a baby seems to be oh so painfully slipping away. Painful in part because i still ache for another one so bad. After last months tears and this months anger which seems to have spilled over into every relationship that is close, it might just be time. How do I give it up without locking myself into some anger or fear box. Can i just step back and say what is meant to be will be? Is this payback for earlier squandered chances?
I did apply for a job this week. Not sure how that will go and no word almost 48 hours later has me feeling a bit down. It felt weird, because this is the first time in almost 8 years i have applied for a job. I had other ones in the meantime, i just have not been an off the street applicant so to speak. I was shaking while finishing my cover letter which later I learned contained a typo. Yay another thing to beat myself up over this week. I really think that I need to be writing more.
But at least i have another new direction to focus on as well. Something else that has my kneed knocking and me sweating over. But having an end goal does help. Ironically it is an old dream re found and reworked. Funny how that works.
Maybe the answer is to read my last post and focus on the last word, the T word which seems to be quite hard for me right now. But no hiding under the covers or mindless games for me today.