Trusting that the healing will come

So doing a little better on the sleep.  Part of that is letting husband do a bit more.  Plus the cold snap seems to keep me in bed a little later.  Still stressed about several other things.  But the seem to be resolving.  Yeah!

Last night i did get a big revelation that i need to share.  So i have been asking and wondering when it will stop hurting.  Maybe my real question has been will it stop?  Well my answer is yes it will.  That knowledge comes from deep in my soul after listening to a good recording of the word.  The focus of the study was on Jesus as the good Sheppard.  That God will make us to lie down and take in hat we need for our good.  Just to know that it will stop hurting helps.  So when is becoming less important to me.  Would it be nice to know that someone will ask something on Nov 5 at 11 am and the answer will not hurt?  Of course.  That just thinking c-section number 3 won't make my throat hurt with choked back tears is relief enough for me.  

Now were i to turn up pregnant tomorrow i would hardly bounce into the doc's office perkily excited to schedule my next surgery.  But i know i can do it again if i have to, he will just have to give a month or two before scheduling it.  Honestly i am already at the where not having another child hurts more then having another surgery.  A miracle would still be nice.  And that is exactly what a baby is.  Even if the fuss most days from 7 pm till they drop off sometime after 9.  

So for both baby number three and the healing from how my children arrive will be left to God and his timing.  Nope not trying yet.  I doubt i will go the "ideal of 2 years" but really want more time to focus on tabytha and aj still.  but turning up pregnant next week would not be the nightmare that woke me up a few weeks ago either.  Will trusting the relief come help it come sooner?  

any tips on making my scar less noticeable?

exhaustion

So why am i dog tired and unable to nap?  I am not just a little tired, i am wiped out.  like don't make me focus, because i can't.   It had me zoning out for a large part of church.  ok some of that was the awe i feel when i look at baby is she sleeping, smiling or sleeping with that beautiful smile on her face.  Heather and Derrika did such a wonderful job of capturing that is come beautiful shots.  But there is not denying that a lot of it was covered by the tiredness.  i am having such a hard time falling asleep during the day.  I miss napping.  When will it return??  will it return.  

Any moms out there that can offer a word of encouragement?  Because i really need some right now.  Gotta run baby is cranking in the swing.  i guess that my free time for the day is over.  Much more to come on this subject. I know some of the problem is my dreams and the places where my mind wanders.  

A full nightssleep

Tabytha slept through the night.  She went out shortly after 10 pm and woke at 5:10 this morning.  I tossed quite a bit, but still this is a big breakthrough.  I was just noticing yesterday how utterly exhausted i was.  Since April that is only the fourth time that i have slept close to 7 hours in one straight block.  In fact yesterday i was able to nap during the day for the first time in weeks.  Hopefully, i will be all caught up again in a few days of sleeping like this.  Or will last night just be a rare jewel of a night?  Either way i will be fine because this is just a season.  The question is will this be my last "season with a newborn"?  

Not being sure if i can go through it all again has caused me to often times wish Tabytha would just stay this size.  2 weeks ago i noticed that it looked like she was trying to roll over.  That made me a little sad because i just wanted her to stay this perfect little newborn.  staying little and developing slow does not appear to be this baby's plan.  And that is ok.  I will savor fast with Tabytha.  I love cooing with her.  The verbal interaction we get is so touching.  I am going to enjoy every moment for that moments sake.  Not with that bitter sweetness that comes with focusing on the moment like it might be the last, but rather with the joy of watching a person reveal herself.  That is truly one of the best marvels of watching a baby develop.  That journey of watching a person revealed at their own pace.  Not in a rush to outdo friends with milestones or thwarted to meet a mothers needs to hold an infant for as long as possible.  Forgetting that might just be the biggest tragedy.  So my plan is to savor and enjoy every moment with Tabytha at her pace.  Somedays it would be nice to enjoy 7-10 pm with a baby that can be set down for more then 2 minutes without getting upset, but that is her journey.