Thursday, April 22, 2010

One Year Ago ---I went crazy.

Ok so maybe going crazy is not a far trip for me anyways. But i went bat guado crazy. Like really bad. On April 21, 2009 i scheduled my c-section. I had not really planned to schedule it that day, but doc gave me something and said so pick which day. So we picked Tuesday July 14, 2009. I had no idea how profoundly that would affect me. I knew i did not want another c-section- i never wanted my first. Circumstance dictated otherwise. I expected to be a little sad, not the complete crying fits with moments of complete retreat. My husband said that day he could look at me, but I was gone. How sadly right he was. I am still not back as i was, but some work and a healthy term baby went a long way to my becoming functional again.

That visit with the doc we also had to face facts that my placenta previa was real. The spotting that I experienced after visiting my parents the week before was the exclamation point on that. So it meant i was now fully on the broke reserve list. no sex, my husband forbid me at this point to clarify just how far we could go or how much fun I could have. Turns out that at that point i could have all the fun i wanted. No lifting anything over 20 pounds and one or two others, but I do not remember them quite so clearly. And honestly, most of them do not matter so much. The sense of being broke, disabled and less then is really the important part of those restrictions.

So i left a bit in shock somewhat blindsided by the restrictions and all. Sadly the shock wore off and i then burst out right into tears. I would stay that way until sometime after 9 Wednesday night when i noticed a pinching sensation deep up inside of me. Guess what that was contractions. It felt like a crab was pinching my cervix and my hoo-hoo felt a little beat on. So a call to the hospital and we went in. The monitor was showing weak, but regular contractions. Fear really got its nasty claws into me at this point. up until this point i think it was more fit and disappointment. The thought of my baby being born at 28 weeks well that is truly terrifying. 28 weeks is viable, but not so nice for long term quality of life. Thankfully the cause was discovered and treated. Well at least the physical medical one was. My state would take a while to become fully apparent to me and even longer to address and manage.

Boy was i grateful for the doc who showed up to see me and diagnose the issues. My previa made a physical exam, which is the gold standard to determine of the contractions were having an effect, impossible. So instead i got a trans vaginal probe. That means a fun little ultrasound wand is inserted into the vagina in an attempt to determine the length of the cervix and check if it is beginning to open. I was needless to say very glad this was done by the female doc in my group. The wand literally looks like a long skinny dildo. Had it been the male doc doing that to me while was i going completely ape, that might have made me want to die. Plus dr p seems so much more understanding about why and how i was flipping out. I was told by the other doc that i really did not go as far off the deep end as i think, but he did not see me at my worst. I mean really crying so hysterically at moments that you are afraid of drowning yourself in the shower is pretty bad.

WE have real concerns my husband and i about doing another pregnancy and having me take a return trip down mental break lane. But i do honestly believe that i will regret not doing another baby in 5 years more then i will regret yet another major surgery. Don't by the bs that a c-section is no big deal. It is. A c-section is still major abdominal surgery and you get cheated out of the first hour or more of your child's life, but better to loose an hour then the whole thing. And i refuse to let fear dictate another moment of my life. So much joy and anticipation was stolen from us with Tabytha's pregnancy and i refuse to let it steal anything else from me! So i will get prayed up and exercised up and what ever else up it takes to move forward, stand on faith and seize the family i want. And i find a doc willing to give a 2 time looser like me a chance, then i will need to step back from the ledge and make that decision then. Because i really want a healthy baby that i get to push out with my doctors delivered at the hospital near my house. But a healthy baby trumps every other wish and makes however the baby gets out worth it. And that i why despite what was best for me both of children were delivered by major surgery.

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