Thursday, February 10, 2011

A loss

Yes it is a loss, but I mean it isin't like I sat the baby down and it ran off. Or like I can't remember where I put my keys. But yet the term often used is we lost the baby. Nor is the news even surprising. Still shocking and a little painful to hear. I am most worried for our family members we told. How do I call my parents and tell them? I have great parents and know I will be there first concern. But still it is sometimes harder to have others share in loss and grief.

Nor do I feel like the special gift was stolen from me, just that for some reason the time wasn't right. Well it is no fun to go through at any time, better early then late. Even at 10 weeks after my first appointment would have been more heart wrenching. 20 weeks unimaginable. That does bring a measure of solace. A sense that someone is watching out for me. I know that no matter what God has got me. I know i can get pregnant and that my husband truly wants it. Both things until this week I had doubts about. It feels once again like Cora & Kevin and that is very precious to me. I love you husband.

I know that i need to take the time to grieve. One major lesson from everything I went through while pregnant with Tabytha, but at the same time I just want to move on. Look forward and not be defined by this. IT happened and I have a new sense of what others go through. But for now my focus is my blessings. With a nearly 16 yr old and a 19 month old and 2 math classes this semester there is not a lot if time to stop. I feel the emotions as they come. But for now it is being tired and a sense of wanting to just be.

Am I numb? I do not think that is it. This month that we will take off from trying will be a time to heal and rest. We are both committed to trying again, but ready to be done at the same time. Well at least I am done. Not done enough to stop, but done enough to know with certainty the next baby will be the last for us. Not from a scared or hysterical place, but a place of peace. So in some small and odd way my prayer for peace seems to be answered. I am even at peace somewhat with the loss. At this point I am 48 hours out from it. I did not need the blood test to know what my body was doing. I also know that times of sadness will still hit. They will come and go like waves I am sure. But i know we can manage them.

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