Thursday, April 28, 2011

Today it feels like i am war. The one that feels the most pressing is the war with myself. Well my own body at least. Mother's day is approaching and I know that the gift i most wanted for that day will not be. Well at least not right now. In February i was so sure that it would happen, just not then. How is it that less then 60 days later that sureness is gone? or fleeting at best really? I suppose that reveals the other war, the on with my mind. What sometimes feels like a war with my faith. For now at least none of it changes my love for Jesus.

I guess when it does that will be time to stop. But what would stopping cost? Would it really leave me feeling trapped in that frail broken box? Or would it be the moment i let myself out once and for all? It all seems so much and overwhelming now. Like crawl back in bed and pull up the covers too much. But with school motherhood and wifely duties that is not even an option today. In fact the luxury of this post might be on the selfish side today. I should be speeding through the shower so i can get to studying. End of semesteritis has truly set in. I need to shake it of so finals can get studied for. I would hate inattention to wipe out and entire semester's work.
So a few more sentences and then time to get to work. Today i know it is ok to be sad. Really feeling is good and important. The watch point for me is when it takes away from enjoying what I have. I am blessed and loved. Focusing on that is my goal not just for today, but for hopefully the rest of my life. What a gift to enjoy what i have without envy of what other's have.

Now to shower so I can study. Statistics is no fun so I can give myself a little on that one. 2-3 more homework problems, then I think i will start studying for my algebra final. Maybe weaving them in together will break some of the blahness about it all.
Or maybe it is a sign that i just need more sleep?
Bask in your blessing and let that guide you to peace today.


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