Thursday, November 19, 2009
The journey of the last year
On year ago today i had the first glimpse of the beginning of a new journey. I should have paid closer attention to the clues that it would not be an easy journey. But i felt too awful to even notice. Of course the first few days i thought it was just some awful flu. It was not until i still felt sick 5 days later that i decided to get a test to confirm what i already knew in my heart. Ironically it was confirmed the day before thanksgiving that we would have another blessing to give thanks for.
The way i found out was such a clue as to how things would go. I was never that sick with aj, but every pregnancy is different. hurl a phrase that i could easily go without hearing again. I catch myself saying it often though. talk about irony. I so arrogantly expected that i would have an easy time again. And that if i stayed active and watched my weight that i would have the birth experience that i wanted(the joke was really on me when i realized that i needed it). I expected to get what i wanted. I was at one point accused of doing babies to avoid self-actualizing. Boy was that joke really on me. Because getting knocked on my ass at 28 weeks made doing it not optional.
I am no trying to claim that i had the most difficult pregnancy ever, i know of women who have been through much worse. But it was at all how i thought it would go. The fear that it let creep in my life is still somewhat crippling. I do not know how people live with that kind of fear all of their lives. That stronghold must be outright crippling. I am so grateful for the years that i was able to avoid it. But maybe that was more denial and pretend.
I almost feel guilty to complain about a hard pregnancy when i think of the women i know who give anything to have a baby themselves. Or how she came into the world. Because that was fairly uneventful. I know the scar on my body will fade a little more over time.
i wonder what will happen to the ones on my mind and soul.
When will the fear leave?