Thursday, November 19, 2009

The journey of the last year

On year ago today i had the first glimpse of the beginning of a new journey.   I should have paid closer attention to the clues that it would not be an easy journey.  But i felt too awful to even notice.  Of course the first few days i thought it was just some awful flu.  It was not until i still felt sick 5 days later that i decided to get a test to confirm what i already knew in my heart.  Ironically it was confirmed the day before thanksgiving that we would have another blessing to give thanks for.  

The way i found out was such a clue as to how things would go.  I was never that sick with aj, but every pregnancy is different.  hurl a phrase that i could easily go without hearing again.  I catch myself saying it often though.  talk about irony.  I  so arrogantly expected that i would have an easy time again.  And that if i stayed active and watched my weight that i would have the birth experience that i wanted(the joke was really on me when i realized that i needed it).  I expected to get what i wanted.  I was at one point accused of doing babies to avoid self-actualizing.  Boy was that joke really on me.  Because getting knocked on my ass at 28 weeks made doing it not optional.  

I am no trying to claim that i had the most difficult pregnancy ever, i know of women who have been through much worse.  But it was at all how i thought it would go.  The fear that it let creep in my life is still somewhat crippling.  I do not know how people live with that kind of fear all of their lives.   That stronghold must be outright crippling.  I am so grateful for the years that i was able to avoid it.  But maybe that was more denial and pretend. 

I almost feel guilty to complain about a hard pregnancy when i think of the women i know who give anything to have a baby themselves.   Or how she came into the world.  Because that was fairly uneventful.  I know the scar on my body will fade a little more over time.  

i wonder what will happen to the ones on my mind and soul.  
When will the fear leave?

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