Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Time Flies

One year ago today was my first ob checkup.  Wow i will hit these milestones over the next few months.  They will i am sure culminate with July 5-Tabytha's 1 year birthday.  The first was last month with one year of realizing i was pregnant.  The doctors appointment was the first time it seemed real  Helped in no small part by my husband not wanting anyone to know until after that appt.  i was allowed to breech for 2 close girlfriends.  Somehow the secret seemed not right to me.  I feel it in some way set a tone for the entire pregnancy.  I do remember a few periods of bliss during my pregnancy though.  Odd how my doc kept the secret of no v-bacing from me while we kept our secret from people who were and are quite close to us.  Are secrets ever really good?

Tomorrow i have to take Tabytha for a sonogram of her kidneys.  This seems to be a common rule out for infants with utis.  hopefully, all will go well, but still pray for us.  I am more nervous that i want to admit about it.  I was not bothered about the hip, but this for some reason i am.  I have even started a few negative loops again this week.  I am not sure exactly why.  it would be nice to know what brings them so they could be just as easily banished.  But no easy fix for that i guess.

I have also realized that i am just pissed this last week.  I think i have lied to myself about this one.  I am it turns out pissed at my doc for lying to me in the first place, i know c-section was needed and better to be on lock down 20 mins from home, but still irked about the original deception.  I should go over this with him first, but i will probably have to wait until my next annual to do that.  I am also flamingly pissed over needing a c-section at all.  to think of all these who could care, yet they get to push.  i mean who could care either way mentally--why?  or people who could really care how their body looks,, no new scar for them.  Why do i get yet another line on my body.  Flamingly pissed about it.  most especially the little overhang that never goes away after being cut open and sewn back together with the extra baby belly.  I guess a deeper, better woman would not care, but i do.  i have also realized that i feel a little like God left me.  Now that last bit is not good and is a thought i need to get working on banishing.  Maybe some fear over that is linked to the negative looping.  Something for me to explore another day.

For now i need to stop before this becomes a book and i get none of the church paperwork i am next door to do done.  

Has anyone else ever felt this flamingly pissed over something rather normal, or so left by God?  

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