When a rule out becomes a rule in

So i am now living in the land of ruled in.  Like the tests we went to showed a problem.  I guess i somehow just knew to be worried.  No results on the Sonogram yet.  At least not since 3 or so Friday.  The vcug showed some reflux.  Basically my baby had a cath tube stuck in her bladder, contrast was pumped in to see how the bladder fills, then they are moved around to see if any dye goes in the ureters.  Sadly it was reported that some reflux was noted.  i am not sure of it was on one side or both.  i mean does it even matter.  Merry Christmas to me.  Wow i was already grinchy with no money and all.  This i am sure will not help.  

So now i wait to hear when i meet with a urologist at Johns Hopkins.  This part seems so scary.  I have read that the problem can resolve itself.  I sure hope so.  The thought of lovelykins getting anymore procedures, or God forbid surgery is just scary to me.  In the meantime and until further notice i need give a daily half teaspoon of bactrum.  not really a fan of medicating, but it beats serious long term scaring of the urinary tract.  At least we 4 healthy months.  Why can't i enjoy my babies all the way to one year?  I only asked for 6 months this time.  I guess we just fell 2 weeks short of that....

I am a little numb and not sure how i feel or even how to act.  Kevin is away and already delayed.  Thanks to the storm i have no idea when he will get home.  Church has already pretty much been canceled.  No need for anyone to risk themselves.  i am beginning to get a more numb then i think is safe.  i need to stay feeling and engaged.  I can feel the shutdown happening.  I doubt that shutting off again will be good for anyone.  I have loved our mommy baby dance so far.  

Today exhaustion might be part of the problem.  Up till one waiting from the teen to get home from her midnighter.  That is what the all nighter switched to with the storm.  

I really need my man.  I just want to be held by him and know that this fight like all of the others we are in together.   I also wish it was someone other then me shoveling and trying to get the dogs to pee outside.  But off for a shower.  it is truly restorative.  And yes even confined this woman needs one