Friday, August 28, 2009


So the last week or so some of the anxiety has returned.  I am not completely sure what triggered it, but i know my 6 week appointment is what i am anxious about this time.  I got a good report and was released, but i am for some odd reason quite nervous about my pap results.  20 years off good ones and here i am sweating one.  I really thought when he said everything looked normal during surgery that this fear about my health old go away.  It did for awhile.  But now like a roaring lion it has returned.  Why does pregnancy seem to trigger such fear and anxiety?

A few weeks ago I was at a friend's house for a photo shoot and she was sharing some of the anxiety she felt during her pregnancy.  It struck me just how frightening this special time can be.  

If you are actively trying, you sweat is this the month?  As that drags the hope begins to fade, then it happens out of the blue almost.  Then it is oh how long will this feeling of sickness last?  Sweating the first doctors appointment.  Which screenings if any do I do?  Then sweating each result.  A few short weeks of relief, then bam a complication.  Everybody says no big deal it might move, just call if you start bleeding.  Um yeah that is real reassuring.   Of course for me this time is also made a little worse by the knowledge that life threatening complication or not if i stick with my doctor it will be another surgery.  More sonograms to check if it moved, more nerves about that.  Then that awful week in April.  I saw a week because it started with scheduling my c-section and the crippling knowledge of how broken that left me feeling.  I remember sitting on my bed and loosing it screaming teen crack heads can birth why can't I?  then that night where i felt something a late trip to the hospital and confirmation that yes at 28 weeks you are contracting.  Fortunately that was related to a secondary cause that we treated, but it still meant bed rest.  Which led to another trip to the hospital.  

The second trip led to a test that was reassuring in that it was highly unlikely that i would go into labor for the next 2 weeks at least.  That led to a gradual resumption of life.  Of course i was still limited as i had been put on light duty after some light spotting-thankfully that was old blood.  This period led to no sleeping, and a time of extreme anxiety and depression.  Thankfully ambien allowed me to sleep and pepcid let me eat something at least.  

During this i prayed and begged and fought and did everything i could think of to prevent another surgery.  Surgery is no way to have a baby, but it beats bleeding to death.  Then i began to reason-Joyce Meyer has an excellent chapter against it in her book "Battlefield of the Mind"-maybe the surgery needs to happen for a reason.  Why might i need it?  The best answer my mind came up was maybe something will be found that would otherwise never be found.  I reasoned my way into the belief that some tumor that would not be caught would be spotted during the surgery. Nothing.  I was a little shocked by this, but also very relieved.  I thought i had relaxed and gotten over.  Sadly the last week has proven that is not true.  The nightmares about some awful health scare has returned.  I have dreaded everytime my phone has rang during the hours of 9-5.  i should have my results by early next week. Hopefully that will put an end to this dread.  But i wonder what will trigger it again?  What can i do to chase it away for good?

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